TOOLBAG TUESDAY – COLLEGE FOOTBALL FAIL

Sometimes regular life events provide great timing to test a new relationship.

This is certainly the case with any event that requires a gift.

For example, say you met a guy and started dating one month before your birthday.

…Does he get you a gift?

See, it’s a natural way to weed out the cheaps.

The same can be said for Christmas and the very obvious Valentine’s Day, but this week, I learned about another life event test, an unusual one that involves not just a day but an entire season: College football.

This may not come as a surprise to many people.

(Even I have written a Toolbag Tuesday about a guy who took college football WAY too seriously, but I thought that was an isolated incident.)

Not isolated!

In fact, I recommend everyone start dating someone new in early September during this important testing season.

LOL

My friend Katie started dating Grant in late August after they met at a concert in Charleston.

They went out on dates, they talked and texted almost daily and she had really high hopes for him.

But then college football started.

Grant was a Clemson fan and he invited her to watch the Clemson game at his favorite Clemson bar, which was 45 minutes from Katie’s house.

Ugh.

But her team (LSU) was playing later that evening and she agreed to meet him there and spend the day watching college football.

When she finally arrived (45 MINUTE DRIVE), Grant was already drunk.

It was a very close game and he was stressed out, as if he was personally on the field himself.

He told her hello and that she looked nice, but other than that, he was silent at the high top bar table.

“I don’t talk to a lot of people when a Clemson game is on,” he announced.

Katie was annoyed that she drove a long way just to hang out with a MUTE (who, frankly, pulls for the wrong team hahaha) but she told herself that Grant was just passionate and maybe if they order nachos at halftime, he’ll be nicer.

But as halftime approached, Clemson was losing by one point.

ONE.

POINT.

“F—- B—- S— GOD DAMMIT!” Grant was screaming.

“Woah, hey, it’s just one point,” Katie reassured him. “LSU has been way down more than that at halftime and they pulled it out, it’s OK.”

She said Grant’s eyes flashed at her and he didn’t say anything else to her after that.

“Like, he actually stopped speaking to me,” she said.

Katie got up and went to the bathroom, questioning her choices in men, and when she got back to the bar, Grant was closing his tab.

(NOT ordering nachos.)

“Wait, are you leaving?” she asked. “I just got here.”

She said Grant CONTINUED TO IGNORE HER as he signed his bar tab.

Katie was shocked.

“I’ve never had someone just ignore me like that in my entire life,” she recalls.

“Are you serious right now??” she asked him. “It’s just one point!”

Plus it was halftime.

At that moment, Katie was tapped on the shoulder by a girl she knew, and they chatted for a minute. When she turned her attention back to Grant, he was staring at his phone.

“My Uber’s here,” Grant said. And left the bar.

LEFT THE BAR!!!!

LEFT HER AT THE BAR!!!!!

Over ONE point.

LOL

Katie was furious, but stayed at the bar with her friend and watched LSU play a terrible game in which they LOST, but she still had a good time anyway because she’s a normal person.

Four hours later, Grant texted her.

“Do you, like, hate me now?” he asked.

LOL

Katie called him on her way home and Grant explained that he was so drunk, he didn’t realize it was halftime and he thought the game was over and that Clemson had lost by one point.

LOL

He went home and passed out and when he woke up four hours later, he had missed the second half. Clemson ended up winning.

LOL

LOL

LOL

“So, yea, sorry about that, I thought the game was over,” he said.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Does this mean he thinks that behavior would be OK if it was the actual final score???

Does he think it’s cool to pass out before 2 p.m. on a Saturday after making plans with a new girlfriend to spend the day together?

…And then ignore her in public for no reason?

…And then leave her at a bar by herself?

DID HE EVEN ASK HER IF SHE WANTED NACHOS????

Ugh.

Thank you, college football season for being a natural test for WHO NOT TO DATE.

Like Clemson fans, for example.

LOL

It’s gonna be a long season.

-Jenny

Toolbag Tuesday – Unlike you, car insurance doesn’t lie

There’s an age-old struggle (just kidding…it’s a millennial struggle) in dating, where you balance how much time you spend at each other’s apartment.

In my experience, guys tend to stay over at their girlfriends’ house and never leave because we have nice-smelling soap and pillows and stuff.

But there’s a difference between staying over all the time and uhh MOVING IN without tell your girlfriend.

Ugh

BYOPillow.

The most extreme example was this guy Stuart who LIED about moving in with my friend Angela, and who only got busted when he started getting mail addressed to him there.

LOL

I mean, isn’t in the rule book of life that you discuss moving in with someone???

“I’m not moving in,” he insisted. “I just have to wait a week-and-a-half until I can move into my new apartment.”

Angela said ok, a week-and-a-half. He stayed over that often anyway.

But then (duh) a week-and-a-half turned into three weeks.

Then five weeks.

Angela was running out of soap.

She kept asking him what the deal was and again he insisted that he had a place rented and there was issues with fleas (LOL) or termites or something else out of his control.

But then the mail started coming.

His name at her address.

Bills, freelance checks.

And then his car insurance bill!

She looked at the document. He had registered his car at her address!!

You don’t register your car somewhere for a week and a half stay. That’s like registering your car at at an AirBnB.

“What is going on?” Angela asked.

That’s when Stuart (duh) admitted that he didn’t have another apartment lined up at all, he just got kicked out of his old place.

LOL

…and he figured she and he, “were probably going to move in together anyway” LOL so he moved in without saying anything.

Hahahahahahaha
Hahahahhahahaha

Killer plan, Stuart.

A real turn on.

Angela gave him a week-and-a-half to move out.

After that, she was calling Geico.
LOL

-Jenny

 

TOOLBAG TUESDAY…BREAKUPS MAKE YOU FAT

I forget what exactly the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz was afraid of, but if he lived in this era, I imagine he’d be afraid to break up with his girlfriend.

Because breaking up with someone takes courage.

Someone stitch that on a pillow!!

Unless there’s an epic catching-someone-cheating or a creepy reveal, it’s a dreadful, voice-shaking, knee-buckling horrible conversation.

Which is why it’s easy to coward out.

The most common one is to “ghost” and disappear, but that can only work if it’s a super casual dating situation, not someone you’ve been dating for a year.

So, second “best” is when a guy decides that instead of doing the uncomfortable work of breaking up with his girlfriend, he just decides to be an asshole ON PURPOSE to make a girl break up with him.

COOL.

But I heard of a new tactic this past weekend, the MOST COWARDLY LION way of getting out of breaking up with someone.

Ya’ll.

He deliberately got fat.

LOL

I guess that’s better than being an asshole on purpose???

This past weekend, a guy friend told me about Brandon and his big FAT idea.

I don’t actually know Brandon. Perhaps he just has a penchant for carbs.

But the story I heard from Brandon’s friend is that Brandon decided to gain a whole bunch of weight so that his girlfriend wouldn’t be attracted to him anymore and break up with him.

LOL

How much weight? I asked.

Ya’ll.

SIXTY POUNDS.

SIXTY POUNDS!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE SAME WEIGHT AS A FOURTH GRADER!!!!

Someone would rather gain sixty pounds than breakup with their girlfriend!!!!!!

THAT’S how terrible it is to break up with someone: the potential for diabetes.

LOL

Update: It worked!!!! Brandon is now single.

Way to go Brandon!

LOL

If he only had a brain…

Wait, that was the scarecrow.

LOL

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY…the worst first date in 10 words

Last week, my friend Sarah posted a link to a Vice article on my Facebook wall entitled, “We Asked People to Sum Up Their Worst Dates in Six Words.”

LOL

She wrote: “Like Toolbag Tuesday, but abbreviated!”

Well…challenge accepted Sarah!!!!

I searched through ALL 323 TOOLBAG TUESDAY POSTS (omg) for the phrase “first date,” for research.

(YA’LL….there are 323 Toolbag Tuesday posts!!!)

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where does the time go??

LOL

And then I tried to sum up “first date” ones down to six words.

Ok…errr…ten words.

LOL

(Click on the name after the description to read the full post.)

Job pending, asked for my urine  –Mallory, 31

Asked advice for getting waitress’ number. –Joy, 23

Gave him a blow job, he rated it “8th best.” –Margie, 28

Casually mentioned his crackhead prostitute ex-girlfriend. –ME, 31, (FML)

Split the check, for feminism. –Katie, 30

Couldn’t pay the bill at all, because Wal Mart. -Holly, 29

When I went to the bathroom, he left the bar. -Martha, 33

LOL

LOL x 10

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY–THANK YOU PEANUT GALLERY

For real, who doesn’t fantasize about their ex seeing them in public looking awesome and fit and having fun with another date?

(It’s kind of why some people’s Instagram pages exist haha)

But this ACTUALLY happened to my friend, Mallory. She arrived at her favorite restaurant with a new, hot Tinder guy and she saw her ex, Brian, sitting at the bar.

Unfortunately, he was also on a date.

Ugh. They were even.

Mallory said she tried not to make eye contact as she waited at the host stand for their table. It was a small restaurant, so she knew they would eventually have to acknowledge one another.

UGH. Why did they have to be even????

This is why you don’t go to you and your ex’s favorite restaurant with a new date!!!

Why couldn’t he have been eating all sad and alone??

Just before Mallory could upset herself by thinking of how much fun Brian was having on his date, he saved her a lot of time.

“I’M HAVING THE BEST NIGHT!” Brian announced loudly to the bartender.

LOL

“THIS IS MY DATE, HOLLY. I told her how this is my FAVORITE restaurant! CHEERS EVERYONE!!”

Mallory pretended to read the menu with wide eyes.

Was Brian really announcing his fab new life to the bartender?

LOL

“I’M HAVING SUCH A GREAT MONTH, I TELL YOU, JULY IS WHERE IT’S AT!” he said, to no one in particular.

(He and Mallory broke up a month ago.)

LOLOLOLOLOL

Did he think she was stupid?

People who are legitimately happy don’t loudly announce said happiness to a stranger for the purposes of their ex overhearing.

He would have done better to keep quiet.

Mallory said his bragging got so blatant and weird, that HER Tinder date made a comment about it.

“What’s with that guy?”

“Actually, that’s my ex-boyfriend,” Mallory said. “He’s obviously trying to make me jealous with his awesome new date and life.”

That’s when Brian chimed in loudly: “AREN’T DATE NIGHTS JUST AWESOME?”

Mallory’s date laughed, and then she laughed and Mallory hoped Brian noticed.

THAT moment would have gotten all the likes on Facebook.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY…HIGH SCHOOL DATING RULES

You know those, “Everything I need to know, I learned in Kindergarten” posters?

Like, “be nice” “share your toys” and “flush?”

That can also apply to dating, except not from Kindergarten (creep), but high school.

(Like…flush.)

LOL

No, I mean the most common dating violation by high school guys: Hitting on your girlfriend’s friends.

Never in time has this maneuver ever been a secret. Girls talk and text all the time.

Today there’s immediate proof of a sleezy guy hitting on his girlfriends’ friends via screenshots. In high school, there was super secret three-way calling.

I don’t get it; are there NOT enough girls in the world to find someone who isn’t attached at the hip to your girlfriend to hit on??

I thought that only high school guys (especially those who went to all-boys’ schools and therefore had a small pool of girls they knew) and lame college guys did this.

So imagine my surprise when my friend Frances told me this happened to a guy she had been seeing…who is 39 years old.

WHAT!

Frances said she and Will had been going out for a few months, and they had met each others’ friends (LOL) and things were actually going really well.

She went on a week-long vacation to the mountains with her family and they texted each other almost daily.

They made plans to meet at a wine bar the night she came back home. Frances was excited.

However, the next day, there was insane traffic and other obnoxious obstacles and by the time she got home, all Frances wanted to do was face plant into her bed.

She texted Will that she needed to rain check.

“Sure, no problem,” Will wrote.

Will went to the wine bar anyway and surveyed the scene. He saw Frances’ best friend Gina sitting by herself.

“Hey, can I sit here?” he asked.

“Sure,” Gina said. They drank some wine and chatted about summer so far, and then Will asked Gina if she’d like to go to his house.

“What?” she said.

“Yea, it’s right nearby,” Will said. “We don’t have to spend $12 a glass there.”

Gina said no, she was about to leave anyway, when Will made his move. He put his arm around her and tried to MAKE OUT WITH HER.

39-YEAR-OLD SMOOTH OPERATOR.

“What?? What are you doing?” Gina asked. “You’re dating my friend.”

“Well, she stood me up tonight, so…” Will said, winking.

!!!!!!!!!!!!

GROSS!

“GOOD FOR HER!” Gina said, left the bar and called Frances immediately to tell her what the jerk did.

…Who then immediately called the jerk.

“I didn’t think we were like, exclusively dating,” Will said. “And I didn’t think you guys were THAT good of friends.”

LOL

LOL

OK

FLUSH.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY…A wrong turn down memory lane

It can be nice to reminisce with your ex if you happen to run into him or her at a neutral place, and you don’t hate each other (anymore).

It could be a good way to catch up and see if their DJ business ever took off (LOL) how their mom is doing, or to ask if their super hot best friend still lives in town.

Um, for example.

Ha

But there’s a point where there’s just too much reminiscing, and I don’t mean bringing up your past love life or cute stories.

I mean reminiscing about how that person dumped you.

…IN DETAIL.

This happened to me recently…LOL…and up until that moment, I could have sworn that I had broken up with John.

(Ignorance is bliss!!!)

But it shouldn’t have mattered anyway, because who brings up a breakup???

John and I went out for a few months, and it wasn’t super serious, but we both remembered a lot about each other all these years later, so that means we must have spent a decent amount of time together, right???

“Well, it was great talking to you,” John said after about 15 minutes of pleasantries.

“Yea you too!” I said. “Maybe I’ll catch your DJ set sometime.”

(LOL)

The conversation should have ended right there, and I wish it would have. But John thought it would be cool to go further down memory lane.

“Well,” he said. “I’d tell you to hit me up on Facebook, but I’m pretty sure you deleted me.”

I laughed uncomfortably. “Yea,” I said. “That sounds like something I’d do.”

Again, the conversation should have ended right there, and I wish it would have. But John kept driving down memory lane.

“Man…you were SO MAD at me,” he said.

I paused.

When I realized what he was implying, I said, “Wait…YOU broke up with ME?”

LOL

(Seriously, I could have sworn I ended it.)

(And, yes, seriously, I said that to him.)

“Yea,” he said. “When you were on a layover in the Charlotte airport.”

I paused.

“You broke up with me over the phone when I was at the airport?” I asked.

No doubt, I was impressed that my brain had blocked out this specific memory.

I had no recollection of this, but I did fly through Charlotte a lot, so those pieces added up.

“Yea…you were super mad at me. I’m not surprised you deleted me from Facebook.”

“Well, OK,” I said. And then I walked away.

POP QUIZ: What’s worse than breaking up with someone over the phone when they are stuck on a layover???

ANSWER: Reminding that person five years later that you broke up with them when they were stuck on a layover!!

I couldn’t think about anything else for the next hour, feeling bad for my past self who got dumped at an airport.

Ugh.

I liked it better when I thought I had dumped him.

UGH

Effing Memory Lane.

ROAD CLOSED.

-Jenny