TOOLBAG TUESDAY – THE BLAME GAME

There’s so much blame when people break up; it can get confusing.

It’s his fault. It’s your fault.

It’s both your fault.

It’s nobody’s fault.

(Bonus confusion: If you date a manipulative sociopath, it could really be their fault, but they make you think that it’s your fault.)

WHO CAN KEEP TRACK OF ALL THIS??

Thankfully, there are some hilarious one-liners that guys have used to make you NOT ask the question “What did I do wrong?”

For example: My friend Elise, who dated this guy Jason long-distance for a very long time.

Elise lived in New York and had a job and Jason was a music producer and would always be on the road.

He would end up in New York for projects every six months or so and stay with Elise, have a ball and make her swoon over him again and again.

Jason was a professional hotel hopper/couch surfer and didn’t have his own apartment—he got his mail sent to his parents’ house, which was several states away from New York.

When Jason wasn’t out gallivanting around the world, or he’d get tired of New York, he’d veg out in his parents’ basement for extended weeks at a time.

After a few years (years!) of this pattern, Elise got annoyed.

How long (a time) is too long for long-distance???

Why couldn’t he move to New York?

“I’m NEVER moving to New York,” Jason declared. “It’s too dirty, too loud.”

End of story.

Ugh.

“Ok, well I can’t do this long-distance thing forever,” Elise said. She really liked him and wanted to be with him year-round.

“Well, you can move to Boston and move in to my parents’ house,” Jason said.

Elise laughed out loud.

“Move in…to your parent’s basement??” she asked.

It was a hilarious offer.

ThankYouVeryMuch, but she had a job in New York and a roommate and an enviably cheap apartment.

And she wasn’t a loser.

LOL

WHO ASKS SOMEONE TO MOVE IN WITH THEM AT THEIR PARENTS’ HOUSE?

DID HE EVEN HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO OFFER THIS?? 

DID HIS MOM AND DAD ‘OK’ THIS PLAN???

“Um…I’m OK here where I am…” Elise said.

I know it’s completely shocking to believe, but Jason’s maturity didn’t improve after that.

When Elise got completely fed up with their sometimes long-distance arrangement and his lukewarm reception when he’d come to New York, she gave him an ultimatum: All or nothing.

“Look, I can’t move to New York, I told you that,” Jason said. “And you won’t move into my parent’s house, so YOU’RE the one who hasn’t moved our relationship forward to the next level.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The next level i.e. the level below his parents’ living room.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Seriously, this is HER fault for not moving in with his parents?!??!

Jason really tried to pull that.

OK, Jason.

I can’t just see the conversation with people now:

“Hey, Jason, why did you and Elise break up?”

“Because she wouldn’t quit her job and move into my parents’ basement with me.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHA

How can you even say that with a straight face??

His fault. His fault. His fault. His fault.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY! AN UN-HEALTHY MARRIAGE

I can’t think of a bigger deal breaker than going on a date with someone and having them announce at dinner that they’re still married.

Just super casual, you know, like, “Oh, I don’t like mushrooms. Want some garlic bread? I’m still married.”

 Uhhhhhhh

CAN I HAVE ANOTHER VODKA PLEASE???

I know there are a lot of intricacies surrounding marriage and divorce, it’s all very legal and drawn out and if you live in South Carolina, you need to be separated for an entire calendar year before you can be legally divorced, but still.

Still married.

It’s certainly one of those situations that proper phrasing can help lessen the blow.

Like, “I’m still married, but at midnight my calendar year is up so LET’S GET TWO ORDERS OF GARLIC BREAD!!”

(Not really.)

But I suppose it would help to make some sort of comment about how you plan to get divorced as soon as possible.

That was not the route Samuel took.

Samuel, who went on a date with my friend Kelly, announced (quite cheerily) that he was still married, and wasn’t planning on getting divorced at all.

“Well, my ex-wife really likes the health benefits,” he said.

“What?” Kelly asked.

“Yea, I’m in the military and so she gets really good health benefits,” he said. “We don’t live together or anything, but she still gets to use them.”

(Ed note: UM, FRAUD)

Samuel didn’t say that his wife (WIFE) had a terminal illness or anything else that would necessitate needing to be on his free health plan. They didn’t have children.

DID HE THINK THIS JUST MADE HIM A NICE GUY???

Was she really supposed to believe this??

“Don’t worry, we haven’t been together for three years,” Samuel said, sensing Kelly’s hesitation with this health plan.

Kelly was already planning her escape.

“So what if you want to get married again?” she asked.

Samuel’s response was hilarious.

“Don’t worry, I haven’t met a woman who I want to marry in the past three years,” he said.

HAHAHAHAHA

(FYI Kelly was hardly worried.)

“But if I met the right person, yea of course I’d discuss getting a divorce with her.”

LOL

DISCUSS.

The whole story sounded fishier than the dinner special.

…Which Samuel ended up eating…by himself.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY – ONE FLEW OVER THE COCAINE’S NEST

I’m all about multi-tasking and killing all the birds with one stone.

However, there’s a difference between double-booking yourself for everyone’s Christmas party and knocking two other things out at the same time like arranging to meet your drug dealer on a date.

I don’t know, maybe I just have really high standards.

Get it

High.

AHAHAHAHAHA

My friend Sabrina told me about the worst date she ever had, with a guy named Brian who she met at a networking event.

They went on three dates and had fun listening to music and going to dinner, getting coffee, etc.

She remembers now that he was always hyper, always up for doing stuff, especially late at night. She chalked it up to enthusiasm and spirit and, unfortunately, failed to notice how often he was going to “bathroom.”

LOL

(Mom, don’t ask.)

On their fourth date, Brian suggested they go to a random bar that was way, way off the beaten path that they had no particular reason for going.

There was no food, no music, no fun bar games. It was a seedy, dark hole in the wall.

“The beers are really cold,” Brian told her.

LOL

They walked in and took seats and the bar and each ordered a beer when Brian said he was going to go to the bathroom.

LOL

After five minutes of sitting there by herself, Sabrina looked around to try and find Brian or the bathrooms and saw just a group of people sitting at a booth in the back.

She looked again. There was Brian.

SITTING AT A BOOTH IN THE BACK OF THE BAR WITH PEOPLE WHILE SHE SAT BY HERSELF.

Then she looked closer: Brian was sitting with four girls.

THE F—-?!!!!!!!!?????!??!

Sabrina didn’t want to walk up to Brian and the group of girls (who were very pretty and intimidating) so she did what any millennial would do—she texted him.

“Ummm hello what are you doing? Who are those people?”

OMG

Brian didn’t seem at all concerned, so Sabrina had to muster up the courage to go over to a booth and bitch at Brian in front of everyone.

“What are you doing over here?” she asked in her most fake-happy voice.

Brian got jumpy.

“Oh, nothing. just talking to some friends. This is Sabrina everybody,” he said.

Before the girls looked up, Sabrina announced, “I’m leaving,” and walked toward the door.

“Wait!” Brian yelled behind her.

Sabrina turned around.

“What are you doing sitting at a booth with all those girls?” she asked. “Are you dating one of them?”

“You don’t understand!” Brian said. “I’m not dating any of them! They are my cocaine dealers!”

LOL

Sabrina paused.

“Wait, you do coke?” she asked.

LOL

“Yea, and every girl I’ve ever dated has been a big coke head and you’re really inspiring me not to do it anymore, so this will be my last time buying it,” Brian said.

(Ed note: WHAT A COMPLIMENT!!! SWOON!!!)

“So, come on, let’s go back into the bar and come sit with us.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sabrina said she didn’t know what was worse—him being a secret cocaine user, or the fact that he brought her unknowingly to his coke deal.

Or maybe it was worse that he didn’t think she would TURN HER HEAD AROUND and see him sitting there in the back of the bar after five minutes of being the “bathroom.”

AND WHY ON EARTH WOULD SHE WANT TO GO BACK INTO THE BAR AND SIT WITH THEM??!?!?!

There aren’t enough stones in the world to kill that bird.

So Sabrina flew out of there as quickly as possible.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY – UBER STALKING

I assume Uber drivers have it good because there are so many of them who willingly do it, but I can’t imagine the conversations they have to endure with me, I mean passengers, at 3 a.m.

Um.

For example.

I talk to every one of my Uber drivers, at the very least to ask how their day or night is going.

Sometimes I ask them about their most ridiculous passengers (always welcomed stories.)

So far, what I’ve gathered is that every day, Uber drivers bring people back to their cars from the night before.

(Raises hand.)

They also pull over on the side of the road more often than you’d think so a passenger can throw up.

(Earmuffs, mom)

They are constantly asked to suggest restaurants and bars, like a tour guide.

At least one passenger will ALWAYS leave a phone in the back seat and then drivers have to coordinate returning it.

BTW, they’d like a cash tip after returning a phone.

But last week, I heard a new Uber driver’s experience, one that I found to be so horrifying yet so hilarious that I had to have him go into every detail.

Peter, an Uber driver who had a 4.8 star rating, picked up a young guy in his 20s one day during the day and drove to the address he had requested.

The address was a house, not a bar or a business, and Peter said the guy was pretty quiet, not really saying anything about the house other than confirming the address.

But then, about a block away, he told the Uber driver to keep driving by the house and not to stop.

“He ducked down in the backseat and everything!” Peter said.

The driver did as he was told, and kept driving.

“Can you go back around the block again?” the guy asked.

LOL

“Did I miss it?” the driver asked.

LOL

No. Apparently, Peter was an accomplice to some light stalking.

Which is NOT something that happens to drivers every day.

Peter made the block and stopped at the address, just like his phone told him to.

“The second time I drove down a young girl was coming out of the house and the guy in the backseat screamed, “DRIVE!”” Peter laughed.

Peter panicked and hit the gas, and said the woman ran out to the street, and he saw her yelling at him (and his passenger) in the rear view mirror.

“What’s going on man?” Peter asked him. “I don’t want no rocks being thrown at my car, now!”

He said he was worried she would take down his license plate and report him for something.

LOLOLOLOL

He stopped the car at the next stop sign. His phone chirped, “Make a U-Turn.”

“DRIVE STRAIGHT!” the guy yelled. “SHIT SHIT SHIT!”

Peter said the guy was “cussing” up a storm.

“Where are we going now?” Peter asked, trying to program a new address into the app.

The guy told Peter to go back to where he picked him up. He admitted that it was his ex-girlfriend’s house, and he just wanted to drive by to see if her “new ASSHOLE” was there.

LOLOL

Is this what people are using Ubers for these days????!?!?!?

To have an anonymous cars creep by their ex’s house?

What would have happened if said “asshole” was on the porch????!!?

Honestly, a passenger puking sounds better.

I mean, how many times did this guy do that???

Peter could not have been his first drive-by.

I can see him arguing with his ex now: “No, Lisa, I was NOT driving by your house. I don’t even have a Buick.”

AHAHA

“Well, did you give him five stars?” I asked.

“Yea, well, you know, I give them all five stars,” Peter said.

Then he paused.

“Unless they puke.”

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY – WHEN IT’S TIME TO UNPLUG

For some reason guys’ iPhone batteries don’t die after 30 minutes of scrolling through Facebook like every female I know.

Which is why it’s a good idea to have your roommate’s boyfriend’s cell number.

Because you need to tell her something, and her phone is dead.

Or because her boyfriend is looking for her, and her phone is dead.

Literally anything, and her phone is dead.

In my 18 years (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) of living with roommates, I’ve had a number of roommates’ boyfriend’s phone numbers and have participated in very important conversations like, “Is Angela with you? Her phone is dead.”

Or, “Hey this is Angela from Brad’s phone, are you home? I forgot my keys. Also my phone is dead.”

Thankfully, I’ve never had a problem with someone’s boyfriend abusing the privilege of this mode of communication.

But Jessica didn’t get so lucky.

Jessica lives with my friend Tara. When she moved in, she exchanged numbers with Tara’s boyfriend, David.

She said that despite exchanging numbers, she and David had no cell phone contact at all.

That is, until David and Tara broke up.

A few days later, Jessica was minding her own business when she got a text from David.

Was this to ask if his hoodie was at the apartment?

Was it to see if he could take back his vat of cookie dough from the refrigerator?

No.

“Hey, I know Tara has been telling you a lot of stuff about me, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m actually a really good guy,” David wrote.

LOL

OK, David.

Jessica ignored it. David pressed on.

“What is she saying about me???” he texted.

LOL

David was super desperate, and barking up the wrong tree.

“I’m sorry you guys didn’t work out,” Jessica wrote.

It was a nice message, but once she made contact, David got more clingy.

“Did you know that I bought her a month at a gym??”

(Ed note: Jealous!!)

LOL

“I’m a very generous guy. I just hate that Tara is going around saying stuff about me.”

LOL

Rule of thumb: Don’t to reach out to your ex’s roommate after you break up.

SHE IS NOT IN YOUR CORNER.

Especially in this case, Jessica didn’t care about David, she barely knew him and had indeed been hearing shitty things about him from Tara.

“WHY WON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT SHE’S SAYING??” David asked.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA

Jessica looked at the message and rolled her eyes.

Thankfully, her phone died a short time later.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY – Halloween creeps

This Halloween, I found an even scarier person than a creepy effing clown!!!!

It’s someone’s husband, wearing his “I’m single” outfit.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

My friend Hillary came to visit me in New Orleans this weekend and we went to a place where dancing was required.

It was a dance party at a cheesy bar on Bourbon Street, and it was loud and obnoxious but oh so fun when the Saints football team just won.

🙂

There we were, front and center dancing together, when a guy came up to Hillary and started dancing behind her, grinding on her butt.

He wasn’t at all cute, and looked at least a decade older than us.

“Oh, sorry, I have a boyfriend,” Hillary lied to him.

“Well, is he here?” the man said, not listening to the hint to stop grinding.

“No, but his friends are,” Hillary lied again, and stepped away from him.

This gross man not only didn’t care about the words she was saying, but he put his hands on her stomach and PULLED HER INTO HIS GRINDING LOWER HALF.

“STOP!” Hillary said shaking away from him. “I already told you I have a boyfriend.”

“So?” he said. “I have a WIFE.”

Then he put his finger over his mouth like A SHHHH

His wedding ring flickered in the strobe light.

(Really dude????? SHHH?)

“Well, I don’t want to dance with a man who has a wife, that’s really disrespectful to her and to me,” Hillary said.

“Well, she’s not here so who cares?” the man said, still moving to the beat. “Hey, can I buy you a shot?”

That’s when Hillary and I walked away from the horny, married man.

We then walked out of the bar into the costumed streets of New Orleans and I realized at that moment that zombies and psychos with chainsaws are a hell of a lot less creepy than that asshole.

…who, unfortunately, is in costume year round.

No ifs, ands or SHHHHHs about it.

-Jenny

 

TOOLBAG – TUBMLR – TUESDAY!!!

It really is impressive/disgusting how light years ahead guys are in their cheating today—using technology even the most savvy millennial wouldn’t think of.

See, if you are a smart-shitty person, you can’t just cheat through your iPhone anymore.

There are too many time stamps, date stamps, clouds, backups, recoveries, screen shots (of butt shots), GPS capabilities, location backgrounds etc etc etc so you can’t get away with very much.

…And it’s also almost as if Facebook messenger WANTS your girlfriend to see your sexy messages to some other chick. It’s like a magnet.

(Thanks Mark Z.!!)

As such, guys have to go through other *creative* outlets to cheat on the down low.

I thought my friend’s ex who managed to send her a message through an old “Words With Friends” game was pretty creative.

To his current girlfriend: “Geez, babe, I’m just playing Scrabble, you are so paranoid!”

W-A-N-T- T-O H-A-V-E S-E-X L-A-T-E-R

LOL

But here’s a new one: Leon, this guy who lives with his girlfriend, makes Tumbler blog posts in order to flirt with his ex.

“What is A Tumblr?” – my mom

Good question!

Tumblr is Attention Deficit Disorder Anonymous a place where millions of people have personal blogs where they post very short text, pictures, quotes, links, videos and GIFs.

It’s like Facebook, only without the pesky business of needing to fill in your name or have any friends or accountability.

NORMALLY on Tumblr, you just search for things you’re into, such as the word “fall” or “cats” and you’ll see pictures of apples and assholes (respectively).

LOL

But Leon, instead of posting photos of fall, or cats, he posts flirty text messages to a private page that only his ex can see when she logs on to Tumblr.

It’s actually pretty genius; there’s no trail to his phone, it can be deleted immediately and if his actual girlfriend ever decided to look at his website history, all she’ll see under his activity is “Tumblr.”

“Babe, of course I was on Tumblr, you KNOW I like pictures of cats taking a bath!!”

UGH

TWO ASSHOLES!!!

I really do hope one day this backfires for Leon.

I hope Russian spies use his blog to send their own secret messages and he’s arrested for being complicit.

I hope he gets a virus (like feline distemper).

No, wait, I know….I’ll give him my friend’s Words With Friends login and password.

L-O-L

-Jenny