People change every single day, and I don’t just mean their underwear.
No! Grown adults can change every single thing about themselves—change fundamentally, how they operate, how they think, how they view the world, every. single. day.
I’m just kidding.
However, they sure as SHIT can change every single thing about their Facebook page following a breakup.
(Hmmm….this sounds familiar. – Still happening since 2011!!)
I know all genders do this, but guys are the most obvious about it, because many of them don’t post on social media at all, and then post-breakup they’ll suddenly go WAY THE EFF overboard with it.
For example, if the problem was that he always hated his ex’s kids, he’ll post a picture post-breakup volunteering at an orphanage.
Or, say he never took his ex out on a date, he’ll make post after post about going out to dinner, making sure to include how much fun he’s (seemingly) having.
It’s a new DAWN!
Thankfully, before they broke up, Brandon, who dated my friend Jessica, told her very expressly that Facebook was “total bullshit.”
Brandon told her this a few times over the course of their relationship, mainly every time she would look longingly at cringy/sappy posts by other guys about their girlfriends.
“How come you never post a picture of me like that?” Jessica asked.
“Because Facebook is such bullshit, I bet they are really totally miserable,” Brandon said.
Then, when the couple would break up: “See? I told you so.”
Brandon told her this again when she asked him to post a picture of the two of them as his profile picture. When he finally agreed, there was no caption whatsoever.
The most egregious was when Brandon refused to write “Happy Birthday” on Jessica’s Facebook wall.
She didn’t dare request a picture of them together or even a public love letter, like the ones she saw from other guys.
“You can’t even just write ‘Happy Birthday?’” Jessica asked. “I mean, we live together. I think it looks bad that you don’t at least say something.”
“No, why would I do that?” Brandon said. “I’m wishing you ‘Happy Birthday’ in person. I don’t need all my random friends from college seeing that.”
HEAVEN FORBID, RIGHT???
Thankfully, Jessica remembered Brandon’s declarative “Facebook is bullshit” statement after they broke up.
Because she had to repeat that statement over and over when Brandon decided to not just make a parade of Facebook posts following their breakup, but make POSTS DECLARING HIS ADORATION FOR HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND.
…Two months after he and Jessica ended it for good.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: WHAT DO HIS RANDOM COLLEGE FRIENDS THINK??!?!?!
Jessica’s mouth dropped when she heard from mutual Facebook friends that Brandon’s Facebook page suddenly sprang to life for the first time in the three years they were together.
“Wait, what??” she asked. “Is he just tagged in posts with his new girlfriend on Facebook, or is he actually himself posting to Facebook?”
Because Brandon never posted to Facebook. Ever.
He can’t even be bothered to post a “Happy Birthday” message on the Facebook wall of the girl he supposedly loved.
According to Brandon’s Facebook page, he suddenly was completely changed.
All of Jessica’s mutual friends with Brandon saw in horror that he had suddenly turned into this doting, loving, active social media guy, who started excessively posting pictures of THE NEW HIM and his NEW GIRLFRIEND.
Not just once.
Not just twice.
But FOUR TIMES…A WEEK.
We all deleted him as a friend after he actually posted a picture of himself KISSING his new girlfriend on the mouth.
(Ed note: WAS IT EVEN HER BIRTHDAY!??!?!?!?!?!)
Another one of Brandon’s posts had a caption declaring that she was “his hot date.”
IT WAS A MIRACLE!
A COMPLETELY CHANGED MAN!!!!
LONG ARE THE DAYS WHEN BRANDON WON’T WRITE “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” ON HIS GIRLFRIEND’S FACEBOOK WALL – THIS GUY IS READY TO JUMP OUT OF A DAMN CAKE!!!
This was the same guy who declared that the number of pictures one posts on social media is directly related to how miserable that person is in a relationship.
So it begs the question….why couldn’t he just continue his life of NOT posting to Facebook and just be happy in real life?
Answer: Because it’s bullshit.