TOOLBAG TUESDAY! Ring the alarm

Have you ever witnessed a child misbehave and a parent snatches away their favorite toy as punishment?

That’s what Rob did to my friend Kate.

Only it wasn’t a toy.

It was an engagement ring.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Most women are excited about being presented with an engagement ring from their long-time boyfriends, especially ones they had already discussed marriage with, and who they had been dating for years.

But this was not the case with the tragic story of Kate and her 30th birthday party.

Kate, who was in a four-year relationship with this guy Rob, was naturally hoping it would be her 30th birthday party/engagement party.

She and Rob had been dating forever….28 years (in dog years LOL), they had moved in together, talked about being together forever, and Kate thought she had planted enough seeds about really wanting to get engaged that this momentous occasion was imminent.

Her 30th birthday was perfect, was it not?

Kicking off another decade of life with a big, blingy ring???

Rob didn’t see it that way. Her 30th birthday came and went. His got her something generic, like an AppleWatch.

So Kate did what any frustrated 30-year-old girl would do after spending four years with someone and getting hopes about a proposal shattered on her birthday: she threw a fit.

“DO YOU EVEN WANT TO BE WITH ME?” she yelled, possibly drunk. “WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING HERE??”

They had talked many times about being engaged, they had even talked about rings, but with each passing month, she became more and more frustrated.

Her birthday was the biggest fit she had thrown to date.

Rob decided that HE had enough.

He broke up with her.

Because of her “fit” about the engagement.

LOL. OK.

Clearly they weren’t a match and wanted different things. She wanted to get married, he didn’t. Kate tried to reason about it immediately following the breakup.

But then Rob decided to play a sick game.

The DAY AFTER HE BROKE UP WITH HER, he returned to their apartment and showed Kate a box.

A little velvety black box. He opened it and showed her the ring.

She took a breath.

Was he changing his mind about their breakup???

UH.

NO.

“I just wanted to let you know that I already bought an engagement ring, but now you’re not getting it because you threw such a fit,” he said.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE….DANGLED IT!

DANGLED THE RING IN FRONT OF HER!

“IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? YOU WANTED THIS RING? WELL TOO BAD!”

“NOW YOU’RE NOT GETTING IT.”

“If you only behaved properly….”

Jesus.

WHAT A FREAK!

WHO DOES THAT???

Who watches as the supposed love of their life has a mental breakdown about not being engaged, still doesn’t propose despite having an engagement ring in hand, breaks up with them and then dangles the ring in front of their face like a parent taking away a child’s toy???

A Psycho!

A psycho on a power trip!

“Ring” the alarm – Kate dodged a major bullet with this one.

LET’S ALL DANGLE ROB…BY HIS ANKLES.

And give him no refund on the ring.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY…15 words or less

All the hope and wonder and excitement of a first date can be ruined by several sentences:

Do you think the waitress would want to go out with me? (Read more)

I have a job interview, can I use your urine? (Read more)

I once dated my girlfriend’s stepmom. (Read more)

These are all true stories.

I learned about one more gem this past weekend.

My friend, Julia, said it was the worst first date she had ever been on, ever. His name was Joel, he was 35, and they met online.

Joel was seemingly normal (they always seemingly are) over Bumble messages and texts on a real phone. He was in accounting and appeared to have it together. She agreed to meet him at this trendy tapas place that weekend.

She was already nervous. It was her first date following a very long relationship.

Her first time getting out there, meeting someone new, all the feelings of anticipation: Will he look like his picture? Will he pay for the bill and not be annoying about it? Will they kiss at the end of the night?

It turns out, Joel also had questions.

Well, just one.

YA’LL.

HIS OPENING LINE.

“So…am I going to have sex later?” he asked.

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Julia assured me that Joel wasn’t joking.

It was especially grotesque because it was her first date in a very long time and she hadn’t even entertained the possibility of anything other than a goodnight kiss. MAYBE.

Despite being mortified, she managed an amazing response: “Not unless you have another date later,” she said.

LOL
ZING!
Julia said they just kind of sat there awkwardly in silence in the high-top table by the bar.
“I’m going to take off,” Julia said and got up.
Joel didn’t try and stop her, didn’t say anything else.

Fifteen words total and the date was over!!

Just her luck to get this guy after a decade of being in a relationship!

Why couldn’t he have just been a guy who looked nothing like his picture?

Why couldn’t he have asked her for her urine?
LOL
-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY! Being honest about being a sh*tbag on Tinder

It’s hard to write in your Tinder profile that you once shit in your ex’s kitchen in an act of revenge.

I mean, how would you write that?

“I’ll shit in your kitchen cuz I got an ass that won’t quit! Hope to meet ya!”

No one wants to list something so embarrassing…or do they?

DO THEY?!?!

This guy Paul, a KNOWN SHITTER (Not a joke, click here for last week’s TT episode), he decided that a picture speaks a thousand words about his dating style.

(RECAP: Paul pulled his pants down and took a shit on the kitchen floor of a girl he was dating when she went away for a weekend with another guy. She found it days later, crusted.)

(Also, FUN FACT: He used her spare key without asking and broke in to do this.)

That guy!

HERE IS HIS TINDER PROFILE:

!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!

Is this real life??

……….PLEASE CLEAN IT UP!?!?!?!?!!!

SHE DID!

SHE LITERALLY HAD TO CLEAN UP HIS POOP!!!

Jesus Christ.

The moment when a guy is honest on Tinder!

image1

I don’t know which is worse, that he thinks it’s a hilarious joke or that maybe he’s proud of violating someone’s space and nostrils?

Tip for the ladies: Read the signs.

Swipe left.

-Jenny

 

 

TOOLBAG TUESDAY…THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING HOUSEBROKEN

Everyone knows dogs mark their territory but let’s break down how ANNOYING it is to everyone but them.

It’s actually a really selfish move when you think about it: This is MY spot! See how I urinated on it to make sure it’s stinky and gross to everyone else?

“NO ONE ELSE CAN PLAY HERE BUT ME!!!!”

These dogs are everywhere.

But check out this version: One day a dog marked his territory but by dog I mean this guy Paul my friend Margie was dating.

…And by “marked his territory” I mean…

Well, let’s just say she WISHES Paul had peed on his favorite spot on a fence.

(This is going to get messy.)

Paul and Margie began dating around Halloween last year and he got jealous that Margie was dating other people.

He tried barking at her, but that didn’t work.

He tried begging, but that didn’t work.

So Paul decided that right around Christmas time, he would leave her a thoughtful gift that only a dog would think of.

Not a joke, Paul became so angry that Margie went away for a weekend with another guy and didn’t return his calls and texts that he used her spare key to get into her house.

And he…

SHIT ON HER FLOOR!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HUMAN FECES.

IN HER KITCHEN.

BAD DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Margie came home to her house and saw evidence that Paul had been there WITHOUT PERMISSION. He clearly got quite comfortable (lol) – his T-shirt left on the couch, cabinet doors left open, which he did all the time.

And then she saw it.

In the middle of the kitchen.

A pile of dried, crusty shit.

WHAT KIND OF DOG PERSON DOES THIS?!?!!??

Was he marking his territory???

Because I can guarantee that if the other guy she was dating had come inside and saw human shit on the floor, he definitely would have run for the hills.

Thankfully, Margie was alone.

She shrieked when she saw it and ran out of the room.

Then she peeked again.

She truly didn’t believe it.

Did someone she had actually dated and used to make out with really break into her house and shit on her floor?

No, this must have been some sort of freak rodent family.

A stray dog, perhaps.

There’s no way a human would do this.

She sent a simple text message to Paul.

“WTF”

She waited to see what he would say.

Did Paul feign ignorance?

Did he assume she must have been talking about his many unanswered texts?

No.

His response?

A POOP EMOJI.

A POOP EMOJI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG

Did he think this was a joke?

IS HE RABID???

Lock him in a kennel.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY!! The least sexiest hair-pulling in a relationship

Have you dated a frustrating guy?

Are you surprised that you still have hair on your head from all the pulling out this person made you do?

There are a hundred million ways someone can frustrate you (on days that end in Y, anyway, LOL) but the worst of the worst—the one everyone can agree upon is when someone F*CKS up and can’t admit to it.

Or, to be fair:

When someone perceives things so incorrectly about something they did—even though that thing is universally agreed upon as being wrong—and can’t admit to it.

Meet Barry.

Barry is this guy my friend Betty went out with, and yes, we are surprised Betty still has her hair.

Barry and Betty met at a bar near her house in early November and he was immediately interested in her.

He wined her, he dined her, he made her breakfast.

…and then he ghosted her for three weeks.

Ghosted! Disappeared!

The last thing he told her is that he’d see her in a couple of hours at her apartment after taking a nap.

Then NOTHING for three weeks.

!!!!

It wasn’t some “maybe I’ll see you this weekend” or anything. It was a specific time in the near future that she was to expect him.

After it wasn’t reported that he died in a fiery crash, AND HIS SNAPCHAT ACCOUNT WAS BEING USED, EVEN THOUGH HE HADN’T RETURNED HER MANY PHONE CALLS, Betty accepted that she got dumped.

But three weeks later, Barry resurfaced.

At 4 a.m.

His claim? He “lost” his phone, Snapchat and all.

And didn’t have her number or any way to get in touch with her on any of her many social media accounts.

LOL

And…well…the frustrating part was that he was sort of expecting HER to come find HIM and he’s disappointed about it.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

This guy is serious.

He disappears for 3 weeks and then tells her that she didn’t make an effort to scour the Earth to find him!

And texts this at 4 a.m.!!!!

Hilarious!

Hilariously frustrating!

brit2

This goes on and on, with him pretending like he did nothing wrong, like he’s a victim of having no phone.

And then he really goes overboard:

 

brit4

Oh Jesus Christ!

In addition to suggesting that his “ghosting” should have prompted a missing person’s report, the most obvious frustrating point was…shouldn’t he be apologizing???

What was his excuse for not facebooking her, snapchating her, Instagraming her…googling her?

And who “loses” a phone for three weeks? Was it under the bed?

FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Betty was the forgiving type and after about ten messages back and forth with exact directions to her house, her email address (LOL no seriously) and more, Barry said he’d DEFINITELY be over that night.

…And disappeared.

Betty didn’t even bother to text, asking what was going on.

Two days later, he reached out…at 2 a.m.

AHAHAHAHAHA

And again, it was her problem. (With a grammar check ED note)

Brit5

 

 

 

“I am not kissing your ass!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I want to pull my own hair out.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY…WHO THROWS A SHOE?

Here’s a story about my friend Emily, who came home from work one day to find a single, raggedy shoe on her doorstep filled with crumpled up cash.

You’d think this would be an amazing surprise, some fairy godmother from Foot Locker, perhaps.

But no. The discovery was immediately followed by a text from her ex-boyfriend:

“The money is in a shoe on your porch and fuck you!”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Reading an angry text that starts with, “THE MONEY IS IN A SHOE ON YOUR PORCH” is Toolbag gold.

But let’s start from the beginning.

Emily and Peter had been dating for almost a year.

Peter (Pan), was a perpetual couch hopper and had moved into Emily’s house with dreams of opening his own record store.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(Ed note: He’d be better off buying a Foot Locker.)

But with the promise of millennials flocking to vintage anything, he made a convincing argument.

There was an old shack nearby for rent and Peter said could sell his current collection of vinyls and all he needed was $3,000 for start-up costs.

LOL

Emily had a good job and had the money. She believed in him and against the better judgment of everyone she asked, she decided to give Peter the loan.

But she didn’t just outright give him her cold, hard cash; she did what any responsible professional would do: She wrote out a contract and they both signed it.

There are few things in life that are as black-and-white as a WRITTEN CONTRACT WITH TERMS AND CONDITIONS.

The terms: He’d repay her the $3,000 within two years, plus $1,000 in interest.

Those rates really kill you!

LOL

These were the terms that Peter and Emily both signed and to make it official, they even went to a notary (who I’m sure was shaking her head the whole time.)

No matter! Emily felt accomplished and empowered to be able to help her boyfriend as an investor in what could be a successful business.

But soon after she transferred Peter the money, he broke up with her and moved out of her house, claiming he didn’t want to be “a burden.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I don’t want to be a burden, but I’ll take your $3K and run!!!

Peter moved into the shack that was to be his super successful record business.

Six months later, Emily got a text from Peter saying that things were going GREAT but that he didn’t think it was “fair” to have to pay interest on the loan.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Emily recalls, “I asked if he’s trying to renegotiate and told him ‘tough shit’ and to follow the contract already signed.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Peter pitched a fit about the contract—you know, THE ONE THAT HE SIGNED—still crying about the $1,000 interest he agreed to.

He insisted that he had the original $3,000 to give back (which was actually quite shocking) but didn’t want to have to pay extra.

“Tough shit,” Emily repeated.

And that’s what brought her to her doorstep that day.

The day Peter the genius thinks it’s appropriate and professional to repay a $3,000 loan plus interest in cash, stuffed in an empty shoe left on a front porch.

(Jesus, how big was this shoe???)

As if the story couldn’t get any more hilarious, Emily noted that the original $3,000 was in crisp $100 bills at the bottom of the shoe.

But, the “interest?”

The $1,000 interest was a deliberately dirty, crumply, mess of $20s and $5 bills.

LOL

(Must have been a clown shoe.)

I think it’s very big of her to confirm she even received the money in the shoe.

Especially after, “The money is in a shoe on your porch and fuck you!” text.

HAHAHAHA

Right. F HER.

The one who gave him a loan, only to get dumped the next day.

Definitely a clown shoe.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY…THE UN-FRIENDLY SKIES

We’re now living in magical world where we pee with our phones and I KNOW you do, because we all know where everyone is located, at all times.

…or do we?

It’s a known fact that if there’s a way to scheme, someone will do it, and that someone is Jack, my friend Hillary’s husband.

Jack quickly realized that you don’t actually have to be in a location in order to “check in” to that location on Facebook.

It’s true!

Check into Italy right now!

It’s so easy!

This “check-in” trick came in handy during Jack’s business trips out of town.

UGH.

Hillary and Jack were married for one year, and he was a total sleaze ball.

Jack had a very active presence on Facebook and shared all kinds of things and checked into all kinds of places.

…Such as the airport, during his business trips out of town.

Ya’ll…the poor Dulles International Airport in Washington, D.C.!

That airport has SO MANY CANCELLATIONS, according to Jack’s Facebook page, it’s amazing they get any business travelers at all.

 “Another cancelled flight, hate this place”—at Dulles International Airport.

“Well, I guess I’ll just drink for the next four hours”—at Dulles International Airport.

“Thought for once I’d board on time.. nope—at Dulles International Airport.

LOL

These “airline delays” would buy him another day, often a weekend day.

It didn’t seem odd at all.

After all, there are hundreds of cancellations every day.

And everyone checks into the airport on Facebook.

LOL

No one assumes they’re lying.

It was quite genius.

After about a month, however, Jack’s cover was blown.

By the very platform that let him lie so wonderfully.

Apparently, he had been cheating on Hillary with a girl in D.C. who picked up on something fishy.

“I just want to let you know that Jack has been cheating on you for the past month,” she wrote to Hillary VIA FACEBOOK MESSAGE one late Friday night.

!!!!!!!!!!!

??????????????

Hillary tried to play it cool.

“Who is this? I don’t know you, what are you talking about?”

The girl gave irrefutable evidence.

She and Jack had been in a relationship every Monday-Friday/Saturday for the exact month he had been out of town for business. She said she didn’t know he was married.

She thought he was just a bachelor in town for work.

But she had a suspicion he was hiding something.

So, she checked his phone when he was asleep (LOL) and peeked at his Facebook page that had the profile picture of him and Hillary.

Then she scrolled down and saw his most recent post about being DELAYED at the airport, around the same time he was taking her to dinner.

“Have him show you his credit card bill you’ll see a charge for a restaurant named Quill,” she wrote.

And then the kicker: “He’s still asleep. I’ll leave the phone ringer on high if you want to call him right now.”

LOL

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hillary could hardly move, she was so shocked and disgusted.

She waited until Jack got back to town to confront him with this information, and demanded he show her statements for all of his credit cards.

He should have had multiple $9 airport beers on his tab right?

Nope.

Quill.

THE SAME DAY HIS FLIGHT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE TAKEN OFF.

“That was a business meeting!” Jack said.

LOL

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think she should go ahead and actually check in to Italy.

…while filing for divorce.

-Jenny