TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve ditched my date at a restaurant—although there were certainly times when it would have been appropriate.

(See: The date where this guy horrifyingly pissed off every server and bartender we encountered.)

If I did get the balls to leave a date midway through, I feel like I’d get the most satisfaction from sneaky leaving; like, saying I’m going to the bathroom and never come back.

Because then I could think about his face when he slowly realizes that he was indeed, ditched.

Plus, I’m pretty sure if I made a dramatic “I’m leaving!” display at the table, cruel fate would embarrass me on the way out.

phyllis

I’M DROWNING!!!

Hahahahahahaha

Anyway.

I’ve only written about one date walk-out: My twin sister, Joy, who walked out on a guy who ASKED OUT THE SERVER.

His response: “What? Am I being a dick?”

LOL

LOL

(Face palm)

TODAY I’d like to talk about date walk-out #2.

It’s a little less dramatic, but equally as douchey.

My friend Rayne had just moved to Los Angeles, and thought a good way to meet people would be online dating.

…Until she actually tried online dating.

LOL

Greg, a “match,” was incredibly good-looking and a super successful tech guy, and boasted about it.

Rayne said she wasn’t feeling his overall vibe, although he did pick a very cool restaurant to meet.

They talked about basic stuff—where they were from, what they did for a living, where they went to school, blah blah.

Then Greg told her that a super cool thing about living in Los Angeles was that he had a perfectly legal medical marijuana card, and a whole lot of weed.

“After dinner, do you want to come back to my place and smoke some?” he asked.

Rayne, who didn’t mind his lifestyle, but told him that no, she didn’t go to stranger’s houses. Especially ones she met online, no offense.

(Also, she wasn’t that into him.)

Greg frowned and glossed over it.

Dinner came and went, and Rayne said it remained OK, but she didn’t like his cocky attitude about everything. She had already decided she wouldn’t be going out with him again.

“So…” Greg said as the meal was finishing up. “Have you thought anymore (in the last 30 minutes) about coming over?”

“No,” Rayne said, trying to be casual. “I’m not going to a stranger’s house.”

That’s when Greg lost it, as most good-looking men do when they are turned down.

“You know, a LOT of girls would love to be in your position,” he said.

LOL

“What?” Rayne asked.

“I’m just saying, a lot of girls would love to be asked to come over to my place.”

LOL

(Face palm.)

“Oh, well, then you should find them,” Rayne said.

(ED note: That was seriously supposed to change her mind?? Fictitious girls who were so desperate to be invited to his house that he had to resort to online dating???)

Rayne excused herself to go to the bathroom and…!!!!!….instead SNUCK OUT THE BACK DOOR.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY HEROIN HEROINE!

LOL

“I mean, why the hell should I have stayed just to have him guilt me into coming over to his house and smoking his weed?” Rayne reasoned.

About 15 minutes later, in an Uber getting farther and farther away from the restaurant, Greg called and texted her incessantly with “where did u go? Are u ok?”

Once she got safely back to her apartment, Rayne told him she had left and that she was OK, and then came the inevitable string of texts from Greg calling her a bitch.

LOL

LOL

Uhhh, chill out, Cheech

Rayne said it was thrilling to walk out on him, the cocky a-hole who only wanted her to come back to his place.

But the next day was equally as gratifying when Greg woke up and changed his attitude, apologizing and begging her to go out with him again.

!!!!!!!!!

GAW, imagine the number of girls who wished they were her NOW!

LOL

She told him no, of course.

Because SHE doesn’t have short-term memory loss.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

There are some things you really just need to tell someone you’re dating. “Deal-breakers” if you will.

Like, I used to be a woman.

I’m actually your cousin.

…I’m currently awaiting trial for a felony cocaine charge. (Speaking of, have I mentioned that I wrote a letter to OKSTUPID telling them they should invest in background checks?!?!?)

Um.
Anyway.

I believe that telling your new girlfriend that you are technically married counts as “need to know.”

AmIRight?

For the record, there are plenty of girls who don’t mind dating someone who is “technically separated,” especially here in South Carolina where a separation lasts an entire year where no one is supposed to date anyone else.

But my friend Hillary didn’t live in South Carolina. And the guy she was dating, Joe, wasn’t some poor guy waiting out a 12-month separation sentence.

No, he didn’t tell her he was married at all. And he STILL wouldn’t have, but, alas, he slipped up.

Hillary and Joe dated for FOUR months. They met while watching some college game at a bar and connected right away. Joe was cute and had a really good job and was supposedly single and available. 

He spent the night at her place a lot. But surprise!!! (not really), she never went to his house.

It’s because he lived about 45 minutes away and “didn’t want to subject her to the ‘burbs’” and always traveled to see her, in the cool, hip downtown.

But then, right as she was getting excited about this new relationship, he slipped. 

While they were talking at her house about something as innocent as cheese.

CHEESE IS THE GREAT EQUALIZER!!!

Hillary said something about how she didn’t like a certain type of cheese when Joe blurted out casually, “Oh, yea, my wife doesn’t like that kind either.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(insert record scratch) ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

His what???

“YOUR WHAT??!!” Hillary yelled. This was the first time he had ever mentioned that he had a wife.

Hillary said the blood drained from Joe’s face and that…OMG…

He ACTUALLY SLAPPED HIS OWN FOREHEAD. 

Like  D’OH!!!!!

DO’H, HELL NO

“You have a WIFE?!?!” Hillary exclaimed, scrambling to put on clothes.

“Oh, no….um…no…we’re…uhhh…separated!” Joe said.

Right.

Note: He didn’t say “ex-wife.”

“YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE EVER MARRIED!” Hillary yelled.

She thought back to their conversations over the past four months, all those “getting to know you” conversations about places they had visited and lived, college, jobs, etc. 

He failed to mention that he oh, GOT MARRIED during this time.

What a tool.

Hillary promptly kicked him to the curb and blocked his number from her phone.

And thanked God for their cheese conversation.

LOL

(Forehead slap.)

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

It’s always hilarious to hear the excuses guys come up with when they are caught red-handed cheating on their girlfriends.

Of course, no one can top Greg, the guy who told his girlfriend that the woman he was cheating on her with was a job recruiter. (LOL LOL). But this guy Tom is a close second.

Tom dated my friend Lindsey for three years, maybe even longer. Lindsey knew that Tom was a flirt with every female he met, but after several lengthy trips out of town, she snooped on his phone and computer and saw that he was actively cheating on her using every possible online platform.

Tom had reached out to a 20-year-old from Italy through Match.com and messaged her requesting to see pictures of her with her top off. And offered to fly her to New York.

He had OK Cupid profile, a Tinder profile, profiles on sites she hadn’t even heard of. And then: OMG.

According to his emails, he slept with the host of an Air BnB where he stayed the previous month.

OMG.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

While he was sleeping with Lindsey!!!

SO gross.


Lindsey, who can only express her disgust in all caps elaborates further: 

“NOT TO MENTION I SAW HIS INTERNET TABS AND SEARCH HISTORY WAS FULL OF BACKPAGE ESCORT ADS, CRAIGSLIST SWINGERS ADS, CRAIGSLIST WOMEN 4 MEN WANTING SIDE DICK, ETC. ETC. – you get it. Ew. Ew. Ew.”

Ugh

Lindsey didn’t know what to do. She was horrified and humiliated.


She left Tom’s house without a confrontation and brewed about it for two days, ignoring his calls and texts.

Then she made the phone call.

Lindsey said her opening line was, “I know exactly who you are.” But before she could give him her prepared speech, she said Tom started laughing.

Laughing.

“He asks if I am referring to the items he ‘planted’ in his phone for me to find,” Lindsey said.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHA

That’s the best he could come up with in two days?

THAT HE “PLANTED” “FAKE” EVIDENCE OF HIM ASKING A 20-YEAR-OLD FROM ITALY TO SEND HIM A TOPLESS PHOTO?

Well. If so, he certainly committed to the mission.


LOL

And even if Tom wasn’t completely full of shit, since when is “planting” “fake” “evidence” of you cheating on your girlfriend a good life lesson?

It’s not.

And obviously, it was all a lie.

Lindsey called him out on it, saying OBVIOUSLY these weren’t fake accounts on fake sites, these were very REAL messages from a very REAL Tom to very REAL girls asking to see their boobs and SERIOUSLY, TOM? CRAIG’S LIST ESCORTS??

…Also, maybe she’ll just go ahead and report that Air BnB host.

My question is: did he really think she was that stupid?


Do guys really think their girlfriends are that stupid???

(Were any of these women JOB RECRUITERS?!?!??)


Ugh.

FIRED.


-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

It doesn’t do you ANY favors to lie about your appearance when online dating.

NEWSFLASH: They are going to see you.

During my YEARS of online dating, when I would meet up with someone in real life, I would ask all kinds of questions about who else they had met online.

Many of the complaints I got were that girls lied about how much they weighed. 

They would only upload face and neck-up shots, these guys explained, and then they would show up heavier than expected.

(Ugh and hahahahahaha at the same time)

This was seriously the most common complaint of the dozen or so guys I met and asked.

“I don’t even go out with girls that don’t post full body shots,” said one guy. “I’m not getting burned again.”

!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!

Ew.

I’ve heard similar complaints from my girl friends about guys’ not-entirely-accurate descriptions of themselves online, too. 

Mainly, that guys lie about how terribly short they are.

…Like, even shorter than advertised.

Take the guy who said he was 5’10 when really he was 5’6. On his toes.

(Ugh and hahahahahaha at the same time).

Last week I heard about a new low: Max, this guy my friend Alice met online, did not tell her that he was Asian.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ON PURPOSE.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SURPRISE!!!!

LOL

“What do you mean ‘he didn’t tell you he was Asian?’ Didn’t you see his pictures?!?!?” I asked her.

Alice said yes, of course she saw his pictures, but he had strategically only posted photos that were ambiguously gay Caucasian.

They were all far away shots, and Max was wearing wrap-around sunglasses in all of them

(Get it?)

LOL

The thing was, Alice wouldn’t have minded him being Asian. But the point that he went out of his way to hide his ethnicity was gross.

It made her feel duped for some reason.

She said she almost apologized to him when she walked up to him at the bar since he couldn’t possibly be the white person she had planned to meet based on his photos.

That’s not starting off on the right foot, Max!!!!

Is she NOT going to notice that you’re Asian when you meet in person???

Are you just going to remain silent and see what happens?

UGH.

And that’s exactly what he did. He remained silent about the fact that he was basically another person who was 100 percent Asian.

Of course you can’t bring this up on a date.

Alice didn’t know what to do. She said she had exactly two beers and then made her exit (He wasn’t her type. LOL)

Alice was confused by this…miscommunication…then re-looked at his profile. And that’s when she saw that he didn’t select an ethnicity on his profile.

LOL

Yes, he selected everything else –occupation, age, salary, religion…but he forgot one tiny little itty bitty description of himself.

What kind of bizarre plan was this???

This is not how online dating works!!!

Also…he was shorter than advertised.

LOL

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Food and beverage people always say that everyone should work in food and beverage at least once in their lives because they’ll see how truly horrible people can be, and it may bring awareness to the condition.

…And that condition is Mike.  

Mike was a complete embarrassment to my friend June on their one and only date and it was NOT because Mike was drunk or anything.

He’s an embarrassing date sober.

Uhhh…..check please!!!!

Ha

Mike and June met online (ugh) and they both chatted beforehand about their love for a nice steak dinner so Mike asked her out to a steak dinner.

He was already breaking the mold for all the other online dates she had gone on.

He didn’t suggest they go to a seedy dive bar, for one thing. 

And the way he phrased asking her out, it was implied that he’d be paying the bill. Promising!!!

June said that when she met Mike for before-dinner cocktails, she was pleasantly surprised by how cute he was. Promising!!

But then Mike asked the bartender if the bar had any “small-batch gin.”

Ugh.

June said since they were at a fancy bar, the bartender said actually, yes, they do, and he made Mike a small-batch gin martini.

The minute Mike took a sip of the martini his cute face turned into a scowl.

“EWWWWW” he said dramatically. “This is HORRIBLE.”

“Ok, well, then send it back and get another drink made,” June said.

“NO, it’s FINE. I’LL DRINK IT,” Mike said. With every sip, his face curled up into a scowl, unattractive.

The bar they were at is a very small, narrow bar and the bartender could clearly hear that Mike hated his cocktail.

“How is that small-batch?” (LOL) he asked, already knowing the answer.

FINE,” Mike said.

“Really, if you don’t like it, I can make another one.”

“NO! I’LL DRINK IT!” Mike yelled (yelled!!) and then June said she had to sit there watching him take sour-faced sips of a drink with a helpless bartender.

“Hey, the bartender just wants to make you happy. You can get another drink, we’d ALL appreciate it,” June said.

But Mike was too proud or too interested in being unhappy to care.

Now, if small-batch gins were unsuitable for Mike’s delicate palate, you can imagine how he did with a rare steak. 

June said basically the exact same scenario went down: Mike ordered something, wasn’t pleased with it, yet refused to get another one, leaving the server helpless and pissed off.

“This steak is NOT rare,” he told June deliberately as the server was coming up. The same writhing sour face, LOL.

“It’s not?” the server said, having overheard his complaint. 

“I’m sorry, let me have them make another one. It won’t take more than five minutes to fire it.”

“NO, I’M STARVING, I’LL JUST EAT IT,” he said. 

Another SOUR FACE.

June looked at the server, helpless herself.

MY steak is perfect,” she said trying to make the server feel better.

Mike snorted.

Again June told him, “Why don’t you just get another fucking steak? Why are you being so difficult?”

“BECAUSE I’M STARVING,” he said, eating his meat.

“A rare steak takes no time at all,” she said. 

But it was clear that Mike wasn’t interested in being happy with his food, drinks or service. He just wanted to complain and be a dick.

(June noted he also disliked the gin martini at the steak place, surprise, surprise.)

June said it got so bad that the MANAGER came over to the table to see what the problem was. 

“Your server says you’re not happy….”

June was mortified and kept repeating to the manager that HER steak was perfect and delicious. Mike backtracked saying it was “fine,” making everyone uncomfortable.

In fact, it was the most uncomfortable date she had ever been on. She said other people were staring at them and their table. Certainly the others servers were. 

Then, the server came back and announced that the manager was going to give them a free dessert because of the steak. 

“I DON’T EAT DESSERT!” Mike said.

OH LORD.

(Ed note: Who the F doesn’t eat dessert????)

June said the server got snippy, which was again mortifying since it had never happened to her before.

“Well, then take the dessert to-go, I don’t care,” she said and walked away.

LOL

Mortifying.

June ordered a custard cup or whatever and then shoveled it into her mouth as fast as possible so they could leave and she’d never have to see Mike again.

At least he paid. 

On the walk back to her car, June again told Mike that it was confusing as to why he was so difficult and why he couldn’t have re-ordered the food and drinks he wasn’t happy with.

“It doesn’t matter, it wouldn’t be right anyway,” he said.

LOL

June then understood why this “cute” guy was online dating.

He was clearly some sort of unsatisfied, miserable control freak who loves to be fussed over by food and beverage workers.

Because there is no other reason why someone would pay $30 for a steak that’s not to their preferred temperature or $11 for a gin martini that’s disgusting. 

It’s like he got off on being difficult.

(Ed note: At least someone was getting off that night…heyooo)

June said she was counting the city blocks until she got to her car when they walked past a cute wine bar that June had spent many nights enjoying.

“Oh, that place is horrible, I ordered a CHIANTI the other week at it tasted OLD,” Mike said.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

June couldn’t even imagine being there with him as he argued with the bartender about the time framein which the bottle was opened.

Haha

What a tool.

He was 2-for-2 in pissing off wait staff for no good reason. Thank god there wasn’t the opportunity for a third.

Besides, there aren’t enough sour faces to deal with any more of him.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Maybe it’s because I have a problem with authority, maybe it’s because I’ve never had a positive experience interacting with one, but I could never, ever date a police officer.

No offense.

OFFENSES!

Hahahahahaha
Get it??

Sorry to those upstanding members of the law who bring kids teddy bears and shit.

…But I honestly think cops are generally meatheads on a power trip. 

And they take out all their aggression on people they secretly hate and…sorry, I said no offense(s).

This guy Peter certainly didn’t change my mind about the whole “cops on a power trip” thing.

He and I met during the unfortunate online dating part of my life, and if he had listed anywhere that he was a cop, then our meeting would never have taken place.

No offense.

But as it were, Peter wasn’t just a cop, he was a highway patrolman. On a power trip. He bragged about making something like 700+ DUI arrests in the past year. He got a plaque from the governor and everything.

“I beat out all the other cops!” he said.

“Yea, well, that’s because you worked the overnight shift, right?” I said, no longer interested in the beer I had ordered.

“So?”

“So you beat out all the other cops because you work the overnight shift. More people drink and drive at midnight than at noon, no?”

Hahahahahahahahahaha

(He didn’t like me either.)

We sat there in silence and then I had more questions, as usual.

“So…did you ever give someone a pass because they were sad and crying?” I asked.

“NO WAY,” he said.

And then Peter totally went full-on cliché, on a power trip, where he took out his aggression out on the people he secretly hated.

You know…the “hot girls.”

“YOU KNOW, ONLY THE ‘HOT GIRLS’ CRY,” he said, actually throwing down his fork.

LOL
“I WOULD NEVER LET A HOT GIRL GET OUT OF A D.U.I. OR A TICKET. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THEY’RE USED TO GETTING EVERYTHING THEY WANT ALL THE TIME.”

LOL
LOL

“Ummm…” I said.

“YOU KNOW…I’D ACTUALLY BE MORE LIKELY TO GIVE AN UGLYGIRL A PASS.”

!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

??????

What a super sweet guy.

He wasn’t joking. He was legitimately angry at the crying “hot” girls who get pulled over by an angry state trooperpooper.

We sat there in silence and I could just picture him on duty, in his dumb hat. 

It made me want to cry.

“So…you’re saying you’d give me a ticket, then?” I asked, like a jackass.

“DEFINITELTY. YOU’D DEFINITELY BE IN JAIL.”

UGH!!!!

Waaaaaaaaaaaah

Check please.

No offense.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

My friend Gina doesn’t drive a stick shift.

So imagine her surprise when she was driving her drunk date home one Saturday night and, right as she merged onto the interstate, she felt her hand on a very hard, very large STICK.

!!!!!!!!

Yes.

Mike, her date, had unzipped his pants while sitting shotgun and decided that Gina needed to touch his bare penis, so he placed her hand around it. Unwelcomed, unwarranted. Going 60 miles per hour.

UGGGGGGGGHHH.

Oh, and this was a first date.

An online first date.

UGGGGGGGGGGHH.

OMG.

OKstupid!!!!!!!!!

SOMEONE CALL 911!!!

This has GOT to be some sort of assault, right??? You can’t just put someone’s hands on your junk, right??!?

I mean, girls don’t even want to see your dick PIC on their phone, let alone an unwelcomed SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!hand around it in their very own car.

This is the epitome of a toolbag. 
A gross, desperate toolbag.

Gina said Mike honestly thought she’d be down for this activity even though, as she describes, “We weren’t even being sexy and actually had just gotten into an argument about a song on the radio right before that.”

This is the true definition of a perv.

Gina said she continued looking at the INTERSTATE and took her hand back. 

She didn’t know what to do. Twist it? Yank it off? She then became very aware that she was in her car with a complete stranger-pervert.

“I’m…driving,” she said, not wanting to make him mad.

She said Mike kept bringing her hand back to his pants even though she insisted she was NOT playing that game.

She mentally kicked herself for driving him home in the first place. BUT F THAT. It’s not herfault her date was such a creepy perv he couldn’t keep it in his pants.

WAS THIS HIS M.O.?

DID HE DO THIS WITH ALL THE GIRLS HE GOES OUT WITH????

WHO ON EARTH WOULD FALL FOR THIS???

But he kept on.

“Come inside and meet my cat,” Mike said once Gina pulled up to his house.

OMG. Really.

“No, I’m going home,” she said.

“NO. I WON’T LET YOU!” Mike said, insisting. “YOU HAVE TO MEET MY CAT!”

“I don’t want to meet your cat,” Gina told him calmly. “I’m very tired.”

“Nothing is going to happen if you come inside,” he said. “It’s a safe place.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

SAYS DICK PANTS.

I mean, he actually said “a safe place,” which means it wasn’t.

After much arguing back and forth, where this drunk disgusting PERV wouldn’t get out of her car, Gina said he finally gave up after she dropped thoughtful curse words such as, “I’m not going inside your fucking house.”

Mike then got out of the car and stumbled to his door.

He’s lucky she didn’t call the cops and make him file as a sex offender for the rest of his life.

Mike then woke up to a nasty text message from Gina about “whipping out your dick” with the words, “disrespectful” and “disgusting” and a sexual abuse report to the online dating site to get his profile flagged for removal.

“And I had to drive home using just my right hand pinky so I wouldn’t get his gross PENIS GERMS on my steering wheel!” Gina said.

Ugh.

At least it wasn’t a stick shift this time.

SUCK ON A CAR TAILPIPE, MIKE.

-Jenny

P.S. Mike is his real name