Everyone knows dogs mark their territory but let’s break down how ANNOYING it is to everyone but them.

It’s actually a really selfish move when you think about it: This is MY spot! See how I urinated on it to make sure it’s stinky and gross to everyone else?

“NO ONE ELSE CAN PLAY HERE BUT ME!!!!”

These dogs are everywhere.

But check out this version: One day a dog marked his territory but by dog I mean this guy Paul my friend Margie was dating.

…And by “marked his territory” I mean…

Well, let’s just say she WISHES Paul had peed on his favorite spot on a fence.

(This is going to get messy.)

Paul and Margie began dating around Halloween last year and he got jealous that Margie was dating other people.

He tried barking at her, but that didn’t work.

He tried begging, but that didn’t work.

So Paul decided that right around Christmas time, he would leave her a thoughtful gift that only a dog would think of.

Not a joke, Paul became so angry that Margie went away for a weekend with another guy and didn’t return his calls and texts that he used her spare key to get into her house.

And he…

SHIT ON HER FLOOR!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HUMAN FECES.

IN HER KITCHEN.

BAD DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Margie came home to her house and saw evidence that Paul had been there WITHOUT PERMISSION. He clearly got quite comfortable (lol) – his T-shirt left on the couch, cabinet doors left open, which he did all the time.

And then she saw it.

In the middle of the kitchen.

A pile of dried, crusty shit.

WHAT KIND OF DOG PERSON DOES THIS?!?!!??

Was he marking his territory???

Because I can guarantee that if the other guy she was dating had come inside and saw human shit on the floor, he definitely would have run for the hills.

Thankfully, Margie was alone.

She shrieked when she saw it and ran out of the room.

Then she peeked again.

She truly didn’t believe it.

Did someone she had actually dated and used to make out with really break into her house and shit on her floor?

No, this must have been some sort of freak rodent family.

A stray dog, perhaps.

There’s no way a human would do this.

She sent a simple text message to Paul.

“WTF”

She waited to see what he would say.

Did Paul feign ignorance?

Did he assume she must have been talking about his many unanswered texts?

No.

His response?

A POOP EMOJI.

A POOP EMOJI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG

Did he think this was a joke?

IS HE RABID???

Lock him in a kennel.

-Jenny