This guy Matt has such a big ego, he’s a walking Chuck Norris joke.
Like, “When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn’t push off the Earth…the Earth pushes off of him.”
“Chuck Norris won a staring contest…with the sun.”
In this case, Matt is Chuck Norris.
And Matt doesn’t hook up with a girl, a girl is blessed to be chosen to hook up with him.
Unfortunately, my friend Mary was one of these “chosen ones.”
Matt decided to grace her with his attention one night when they were both in college.
Mary and Matt had mutual friends and went to the same parties.
As Mary describes it, Matt was obnoxious and cocky and she wasn’t interested in him.
So Mary turned down Chuck Norris.
NO ONE TURNS DOWN CHUCK NORRIS!!!
CHUCK NORRIS ONCE TURNED DOWN JESUS!!
It all started when Matt and Mary were at a bar near where Mary lived, and he started hitting on her.
Mary told him no and went home solo.
About a half an hour later, as Mary was getting into bed, there was a knock on her front door.
Matt had no luck at the bar and was looking for a booty call.
“I’m going to bed,” Mary said without even opening the door, cursing the fact that having the same circle or friends meant he knew were she lived.
He kept knocking.
“Not interested!” Mary yelled through the door.
Matt, still not accepting that someone would turn him down, continued to knock on the door, almost violently.
“GO AWAY!” Mary yelled.
She threatened to call the cops.
Chuck Norris Matt didn’t roundhouse kick his way in, and staggered home.
They soon graduated, and went their separate ways.
Fast-forward 20 years, and no surprise, Matt’s ego is still playing reruns of Walker, Texas Ranger.
About a month ago, Mary logged in to Facebook to find more notifications than usual.
Apparently, Matt had begun commenting on one of her statuses with horrible, political bile, insulting her and insulting everyone else who dared to comment against him.
The thread was 30 comments deep with direct insults at all her friends because he’s right and everyone else is beneath him.
Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won!
Mary took matters into her own hands.
“Don’t worry guys, Matt really hates when he doesn’t get his way, he once banged on my door violently when I wouldn’t sleep with him,” Mary wrote, for everyone to see.
Ten minutes later, she received a text message from a number from her past.
How was it possible neither had changed their numbers in all that time??
“Didn’t realize ya were angry at me for wanting to f**k you one drunken night in college,” he texted. “Your loss.”
It was an amazing interpretation of past events.
This is how psychopaths get through life.
She’s angry that he wanted to sleep with her.
AND THIS WAS HER LOSS.
He cleverly ignored the fact that he violently banged on her door.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors!
Matt went on:
“You certainly have nothing to worry about now as you lost what little good looks you once had some time ago…”
WITH THE DOTS AND EVERYTHING!
(Newsflash: Mary WASN’T worried…)
Imagine if Mary had changed her number and Matt texted this to a stranger:
Let’s all get Chuck Norris another loaded gun.
One thought on “Toolbag Tuesday…Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he’s never cried.”
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