There’s so much blame when people break up; it can get confusing.

It’s his fault. It’s your fault.

It’s both your fault.

It’s nobody’s fault.

(Bonus confusion: If you date a manipulative sociopath, it could really be their fault, but they make you think that it’s your fault.)

WHO CAN KEEP TRACK OF ALL THIS??

Thankfully, there are some hilarious one-liners that guys have used to make you NOT ask the question “What did I do wrong?”

For example: My friend Elise, who dated this guy Jason long-distance for a very long time.

Elise lived in New York and had a job and Jason was a music producer and would always be on the road.

He would end up in New York for projects every six months or so and stay with Elise, have a ball and make her swoon over him again and again.

Jason was a professional hotel hopper/couch surfer and didn’t have his own apartment—he got his mail sent to his parents’ house, which was several states away from New York.

When Jason wasn’t out gallivanting around the world, or he’d get tired of New York, he’d veg out in his parents’ basement for extended weeks at a time.

After a few years (years!) of this pattern, Elise got annoyed.

How long (a time) is too long for long-distance???

Why couldn’t he move to New York?

“I’m NEVER moving to New York,” Jason declared. “It’s too dirty, too loud.”

End of story.

Ugh.

“Ok, well I can’t do this long-distance thing forever,” Elise said. She really liked him and wanted to be with him year-round.

“Well, you can move to Boston and move in to my parents’ house,” Jason said.

Elise laughed out loud.

“Move in…to your parent’s basement??” she asked.

It was a hilarious offer.

ThankYouVeryMuch, but she had a job in New York and a roommate and an enviably cheap apartment.

And she wasn’t a loser.

LOL

WHO ASKS SOMEONE TO MOVE IN WITH THEM AT THEIR PARENTS’ HOUSE?

DID HE EVEN HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO OFFER THIS?? 

DID HIS MOM AND DAD ‘OK’ THIS PLAN???

“Um…I’m OK here where I am…” Elise said.

I know it’s completely shocking to believe, but Jason’s maturity didn’t improve after that.

When Elise got completely fed up with their sometimes long-distance arrangement and his lukewarm reception when he’d come to New York, she gave him an ultimatum: All or nothing.

“Look, I can’t move to New York, I told you that,” Jason said. “And you won’t move into my parent’s house, so YOU’RE the one who hasn’t moved our relationship forward to the next level.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The next level i.e. the level below his parents’ living room.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Seriously, this is HER fault for not moving in with his parents?!??!

Jason really tried to pull that.

OK, Jason.

I can’t just see the conversation with people now:

“Hey, Jason, why did you and Elise break up?”

“Because she wouldn’t quit her job and move into my parents’ basement with me.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHA

How can you even say that with a straight face??

His fault. His fault. His fault. His fault.

-Jenny