TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I remember in high school watching the E! True Hollywood Story about Anna Nicole Smith, and how someone described her during the trial.

(Do I need an Anna Nicole Smith description? Were you born after 2009??? She’s a blonde playmate (Errr…if you were born after 2009, you probably don’t get the “playmate” reference either) who got more than $400 million at age 39 when her 90-year-old husband died. His family sued, duh.)

….Anyway…there was this huge court case over his money and she was basically a ditz and lawyers were having a hard time getting any answers from her about things like “where she lived” and “what perjury means.”

This is how someone described it:

“It was like trying to nail Jell-O to a wall.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m a HUGE fan of imagery (and exaggeration) so I loved that line.

Still, 15 years later, I can still picture in my head someone trying to nail Jell-O to a wall with a little nail and little cube of Jell-O and thinking that just this one time it will hold in place like a picture frame, but then having it just frustratingly slide down the wall.

I didn’t think I’d ever be able to use that line in real life because I was sure there was no one in the world who was that frustrating. But ALAS, Jon was born.

Jon is this guy my friend Jennifer was married to for several years, and he was quite possibly the most frustrating person I’ve ever heard about.

As frustrating as trying to nail Jell-O to a wall.

One particular time, he was so frustrating that Jennifer left the restaurant where they were eating dinner and walked two miles home. In heels. Because that was more pleasant than trying to communicate with him.

After they got married, Jennifer and Jon moved to a small coastal town where Jon’s parents lived and they all hung out together about three times a week.

She really liked his parents, especially his mom, and didn’t have a problem spending time with them and getting the locals’ take on the area.

One night, Jennifer asked Jon if they could go to dinner just the two of them, that she wanted some alone time with her husband.

Jon grudgingly accepted but then in the middle of their conversation over appetizers blurted out, “Why couldn’t we have invited my parents?”

Uhhhhhhh

BECAUSE IT’S DATE NIGHT.

“We spend a lot of time with them already,” Jennifer told him, trying not to get annoyed. “And I love them, but I wanted tonight to be just about us.”

And that’s when Jon turned into Jell-O.

“Oh, so now you don’t want to spend ANY time with my parents?!?” Jon said too loudly.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Jennifer said the other diners looked over at them because Jon was borderline making a scene.

…About a made up situation.

“That’s not what I said. I just wanted to be with you tonight. You know, have you to myself,” she said, unable to be any more clear.

But Jon continued with the slow wall slide.

“Look, Jennifer, my parents are great people, and you NEVER want us to spend time with them!”

It was almost laughable. Jennifer had hung out with his parents more than anyone else in her life and they had zero problems. She even went shopping with his mom solo several times.

This was totally ridiculous.

“What is your PROBLEM anyway?” Jon said to her.

Her problem???!?!?

She asked her husband to go out to a dinner for a date night and he somehow warped the situation into her not liking his parents. THAT was her problem.

Maybe she was being punk’d.

Actually, Jon was right: Jennifer did have a problem. A huge, chunk of melty gross Jell-O problem.

So she gathered her purse and jacket and strode out of the restaurant – all without saying another word.

She quickly realized that Jon had driven to dinner, and she had left her phone at home, so she couldn’t call an Uber (or his mother LOL) to pick her up.

…Which left her no choice but to walk the two miles home. In heels. On uneven brick sidewalks. By herself. As it was getting dark.

When she got home 30 minutes later, Jon was lying on the couch, watching a comedy movie.

OMG

“How could you just leave like that?!?” he yelled. “I didn’t know where you went, and I spent so long driving around looking for you!”

Jennifer explains: So long?? There were only two ways to get home from the restaurant.

“Yeah. I’m sure you were trying really hard to find me,” she told him.

It was another cube of JELLO she was trying to nail to the wall.

“Well if you don’t believe me, you can check the speedometer in the car. It’ll show how far I drove,” Jon said.

LOL

WHAT?!?

That was the least convincing thing he could possibly have said.

Did he mark the speedometer at zero?  

Who memorizes the mileage in their husband’s car to even make a basis for comparison??

I think she should have given him a test.

Like, WAS THE ICE CREAM STORE ON THE CORNER OPEN??

WAS ANYONE SITTING AT THE OUTSIDE BISTRO TABLES AT THAT ITALIAN PLACE?

NEVERMIND, JON….

JUST STAND VERY, VERY STILL…RIGHT AGAINST THIS WALL….

-Jenny

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