I don’t think many doctors (or my mom) would agree, but I DON’T think it’s a terrible idea to get someone you’re interested in completely shitfaced drunk just to see the kind of person they really are.


I say this isn’t a terrible idea because seemingly normal people bring out their true colors and intentions when shitfaced. Some turn into racists, others like to get into fights and punch strangers.

These are all dating deal-breakers, but how are you supposed to KNOW this information without the test of too much tequila?

It was convenient that this guy, Marty, who hit on my friend Stacey, got shitfaced drunk over the course of the night, because had he NOT gotten shitfaced, Stacey would have accepted a date.

But his true colors came out and it turns out he’s gross.

Marty started out his pickup line very eloquently. He and Stacey were both waiting in line to get a beer and he told her that he liked her glasses. (Yea! Four eyes unite!)

“They look really good on you, I’ve never seen glasses look so good on someone,” Marty said.


Stacey adjusted them on her face sheepishly and said thanks. They both introduced themselves. His name was Marty, and he made some joke about how only cool people have names that end in Y.

They chatted until they each were served a beer and then went their separate ways.

The next time Stacey went to get a beer, Marty also went to get a beer, meeting her at the bar and offering to buy her one. (Also eloquent.)

Stacey accepted and they talked briefly about what part of town they each lived and what they did. Then Marty asked her for her number.

Stacey told him that she didn’t give her number to strangers and what if he was a creep and wouldn’t stop calling or texting?


He laughed and then told her to get his number and he ended up writing it down on a napkin.

“Call me Stacey, with a Y!” he said. Cute. Then he disappeared.

Stacey was flattered and actually WOULD HAVE CONSIDERED calling him, but then, an hour later, Marty resurfaced…shitfaced. Thankfully.

He came up to her as she was dancing and…seriously…said, “hey…I really like your glasses.”



“Uhhh…yea…I know,” Stacey said.

“Hi, I’m Marty,” he said.


“I know,” Stacey said. “We talked earlier.”

The napkin was still in the back pocket of her jeans.

“OK, good,” he said. Then he got close to her ear and whispered, “I’m really looking for some hot P*SSY tonight.”

Then he eyed her up and down.


As if that was even a remote possibility!


Stacey walked away from him and went back to her friends, telling them about how this seemingly cute guy who liked her glasses and bought her a beer is not cute at all but is just looking for a girl to sleep with.

THEN…as if it was planned, Marty came up to Stacey’s group of girl friends and repeated the exact same line. 

Seriously, the same guy who she had told her friends about just a half-hour earlier, excited about their maybe date.

Marty came up to a girl who WASN’T Stacey and whispered in her ear, “I’M LOOKING FOR HOT P*SSY.”



“NOT IT!” the girl yelled, and ran to the bathroom.


And then Marty then got worse. 

He wouldn’t leave them alone even though they told him to go away and the BARTENDER had to come over and tell him to leave. And escort him out.

“I can’t believe I actually considered calling him,” Stacey recalls. “I almost went out with a guy who got thrown out of the bar AND used the P word!”

It was clear that she dodged a bullet, and it was all thanks to alcohol. Copious and copious amounts of alcohol.


New dating rule #2423532: GET THE GUY YOU THINK IS CUTE DRUNK and see if he solicits every girl in the bar to have sex with him.

This may be the smartest idea I’ve ever come up with.

(adjusts glasses.)


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