Ahhhh…there’s nothing like the holidays to bring out the hypocritical control freak in your significant other.
To be fair, this story really could apply to any time of the year where you meet your significant other’s hometown friends—a high school reunion, a wedding, uhhh…Jazz Fest.
But this happened to be at Christmas, when my friend Hannah came to New Orleans with her boyfriend Scott, who is from New Orleans.
She met all of his hometown friends for the first time at a Christmas event in City Park.
It was a fancy Christmas event, people dressed up and drinking cocktails among the carousals, bumper cars and a tilt-a-whirl (whyyy??) plus people walking around all these sculptures of popular children’s nursery rhymes like Old Mother Hubbard’s shoe.
Hannah met Scott in New York, where they both lived, and they went on very nice dates and seemed to have a good time together. He had a fancy job where he had to pay attention to things like the stock market.
They went to the park event where Hannah met all of Scott’s hometown friends and she said she clicked with them immediately—joking around, laughing and drinking heavily from the open bar.
His friends were getting super rowdy (NOLA boys), peeing in the whale from Pinnochio’s mouth (sorry kids hahaha) and Scott was laughing hysterically about it.
“Gross!!” Hannah said, running away toward the statue of the dish that ran away with the spoon.
She said she was on her way to get another drink, leaving the guys to their potty humor, when suddenly Scott was behind her in the drink line.
“I think you’ve had enough,” he said to her, sternly.
“What?” Hannah asked.
“You’ve had three drinks, and that’s enough,” Scott said.
Excuse me?? Baking powder?
He was counting her drinks??
Hannah said this was the first time in their dating history that he ever said anything like that. And they definitely got drunk off bottles of wine before.
“What are you talking about?” Hannah said.
“I think Max is the one who’s had enough,” she added, pointing to HIS friend who was humping Jack and Jill.
“Yea, well, they can drink all they want, but my GIRLFRIEND doesn’t get DRUNK,” Scott said, like this was a statement of fact.
“…NOT in front of my friends.”
“NOT IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS?” Hannah asked. “You mean the ones who are pissing in the whale’s mouth?”
She stayed firmly in the drink line.
“I mean it,” Scott said. “Don’t order another drink.”
(Ed note: God, how UN-New Orleans)
Hannah said she stepped out of the drink line and glared at Scott while his friends did cartwheels on the lawn.
She said she didn’t want to get into a fight with the person she was staying with and stuck strictly to ONE glass of wine each night for the remainder of the trip.
(God, how UN-New Orleans)
Scott didn’t pick up on Hannah’s cold shoulder and continued to re-live the “hilarious” time in New Orleans once they got back to New York.
“Did you see Laura almost fall out of her bar stool because she was so drunk?” Scott asked. “I’ve never seen her so sloshed!”
That was the last straw.
“Yea, well, I’m glad you find THAT hilarious, and I can’t even order TWO drinks,” Hannah said.
Scott replied, “Yea, well, I’m not dating Laura. I’m dating YOU. Have you ever heard of, ‘Lady in the street, freak in the sheet?’”
Was that a rap song???
WHO SAYS THAT??
That’s the worst nursery rhyme ever!!
“So, you want me to pretend to look prim and proper in public and then I can drink all I want in private?” she asked.
“Yes,” he said.
Well. Scott certainly got the FREAK part right.
Hannah broke up with him the next day, of course, and included the line, “You’re going to make someone really miserable one day.”
She should work that line into a nursery rhyme.