Yes, I have been M.I.A. for the past two Tuesdays. I was on a week-long vacation in the Dominican Republic and it was the best vacation I’ve ever been on in my life. Sorry, not sorry. Haha
So that’s why I haven’t posted in a few weeks, for those of you who needed their Toolbag Tuesday fix and got NOTHING since early July.
(I normally wouldn’t bother to make a note about my absence at all, but it just so happens that a blogger I used to follow just quit posting one day without an explanation—her last nondescript weekly post was just her last…dangling there—and I felt really sad about it, like a friend who just all of a sudden stopped meeting me for a weekly drink or something.)
And I don’t want you to feel like that. So…SORRY (not sorry.)
I’m back!! I’m back in the contiguous United States!!!! And it feels nice to know that tap water is a drinking option again.
We all know that dating is awkward, but no one ever talks about how awkward the opening line is.
The pick-up line.
Maybe we never talk about how awkward the opening line is it is because we’ve made it a big JOKE and we’re too busy laughing at how heaven must be so lonely because me, angel, isn’t in there, or something about my clothes looking good on your bedroom floor or eggs in the morning or Chuck Norris.
(FYI: Chuck Norris doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, “Now.”)
But with online dating, the pick-up line is making a grand comeback.
Because you HAVE to have a pickup line. (Well, I guess, technically online you can “wink” at someone but eventually, you’ll have to type actual words.)
Could it be the super committal, “hey how’s your weekend” (Groan… “Going great, stranger! Thanks for asking!”)
Or is it a more thoughtful opening line, referencing someone’s online profile: “You love to cook Italian food? I love to eat Italian food!” (Better.)
No matter what, though, it’s awkward. All of it.
People say to make online dating conversations as close to real life interaction as possible.
Such as: you woudn’t very well ask a woman at a bar if you could eat her…
P-WORD “cat” later…now would you? (not if you value your face)
But aside from perv FREAKS, a very important lesson with a pickup line is being OK when you’ve struck out.
Because it will happen more often than not, in real life and online.
Or when you message someone and see that they SAW your profile but didn’t message back.
Sure. Ouch. Rejection happens.
But don’t make it more awkward by turning crazy.
Back to comparing it to real life: If in real life you gave someone HAAAAAY eyes at a bar and they didn’t respond, would you run up to them and yell in their face HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO?
I mean…I hope not.
So imagine my surprise when my friend Natalie told me about this guy who kept messaging her on Match.com over and over and over.
Natalie said she had been scrolling one night and saw a photo of a guy who she thought was cute and “liked” it, or whatever.
The next day, he sent her a message.
“Thanks for the wink. How about we chat and get to know each other?” he wrote.
That was a perfectly fine opening line but then Natalie looked at his profile for the first time and saw that he was 25 years old. She was 33.
She didn’t notice he was that young when she “liked” the photo.
And her profile specifically stated she was looking for someone in his mid to late 30s.
This guy was way too young for her. She didn’t respond.
Then, two days later, she got another message from him: “Or not. Don’t wink if you’re not interested.”
Natalie rolled her eyes and didn’t respond.
Then, two days after THAT this HUGE BABY (literally and figuratively) messages her YET AGAIN:
“You could have easily said your not interested, obviously you are incapable of typing something so simple”
(Ed note: OMG HE SPELLED THE WRONG YOU’RE)
Imagine if this was in real life.
Natalie felt bad (aww bless her heart) so she wrote back something simple: “Hey, sorry, yes I did like your photo but didn’t realize how young you were. I’m looking for someone a bit older. Good luck!”
But instead of understanding, he wrote: “Next time, don’t wink at people your not willing to talk to.”
(OMG HE SPELLED THE WRONG YOU’RE AGAIN)
This is why 25-year-olds are not cool. Deal with rejection.
Natalie, still trying to be nice said, “I don’t think you should take things so seriously. This is supposed to be fun.”
Then he wrote: “No, plenty of fish (another online site, mom) and tinder is for people who want to have fun. Match is made for people that are mature and serious.”
MATURE AND SERIOUS.
AND THEN, SERIOULSY:
“I think you should deactivate your account and stop waisting people’s time”
(Ed note: OMG HE SPELLED THE WRONG WASTE)
Natalie ignored him, HAHAHAHA
“Stop messaging me or I’ll report your account”
That one made me laugh the hardest.
Did he mean to send that message to himself???!
Because she had messaged him twice 1.) saying that he was too young and 2.) that he shouldn’t take things so seriously.
Natalie again ignored the message and soon got a message from Match.com administrator saying that he had “blocked” her.
What the hell is wrong with people???
Chill the F out, dude.
….like right “NOW” –Chuck Norris.