Hang back up the Dave Matthews Band and Josh Hartnett posters!!!

A college flashback is approaching.

John, this guy my friend Christina dated for a few months, not only broke the news to her that he had another girl, but he provided a horrible college flashback at the same time.

Remember this? : “Yea…my ‘hometown’ girlfriend is visiting this week. Well, we didn’t agree to ‘break up’ completely when I went away to college, so we’re sort of still together and I know I’ve never mentioned her before but….”

This is the hispter 2015 equivalent of that.

Only it wasn’t a clueless boy who just turned 18, it was a dude in his 30s.

John and Christina met through mutual friends and had a great courtship with dancing, dinners, sleepovers, camping and all kinds of other fun adventures.

Christina hadn’t been with anyone cool in a long time and thought John was something special. He actually told her that she was something special.

But then one day, he began acting funny, not returning Christina’s calls or texts.

“What’s going on?” she asked him after a particularly awkward home-cooked meal. “Why are you acting so weird all of a sudden?”

Then John broke the news.

“Well, because there’s this girl…sort of my girlfriend…,” he started.


“Well, we sort-of ‘broke up’ when she went to study clay-making in India (or some shit) for a few months…”


“And we left things on weirdterms…like we weren’t dating but we weren’t ‘broken up’ and, well, she’s coming back in two weeks…”



He just left the sentence hanging there. Like Christina was supposed to finish it for him.


“So…your GIRLFRIEND who you never told me about is coming back from India and ya’ll are going to get back together?” she asked. “That’s what you’re telling me?”

“She’s not technicallymy girlfriend!” John said. “We agreed we can see other people!”


(John, you are late for philosophy 101 class).


“Not your girlfriend…but she’d be mad that we slept together, right?” Christina asked.


“It’s just…really complicated,” John said. 

He said he and this India girl just had so much history, so many memories, you know, HIGH SCHOOL PROM.

Christina was already packing her backpack.

“You know, it would have been nice to mention her when we first met,” she said.

John stood there looking hurt.


I mean, really, though, what did he expect? Was Christina really supposed to hang around for 2 weeks pretending that everything was OK?

Put red slashes on her wall calendar leading up to the return of the girlfriend?

And if he really cared about Christina, why didn’t he tell his “ex”-girlfriend that he met someone new and tell her to just stay halfway across the world?

PLUS…who gets another girlfriend six seconds after their other one skips town?


Relationships are so hard when you’re 18 30 years old.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to bring Christina to a raging keg party to forget about all of this.


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