Walt Disney was right as sh*t– it really IS a small world after all…especially when you cheat on your girlfriend.
Because she’s going to find out.
Oh yes she is.
If not from your sketchy, sneaky cheating behavior, or your non-password protected phone—she will find out because it’s a small EFFING world.
the movie serendipity, only the opposite of romantic or fortunate.
Case in point: Ryan, this guy who was apparently a big fat cheater but who pretended not to be, picked up my friend Lauren at friend’s Christmas party and they spent the next two entire days together.
Ryan was from out of town but “visited a lot” and he had a fancy hotel room and Lauren happily played tourist with him in New Orleans walking down touristy streets and eating at Jimmy Buffet’s restaurant or something.
It was silly and fun and for TWO WHOLE DAYS they saw each other every second of the day and night(s).
Ryan was cute, a traveling sales person for something, and therefore incredibly charming.
Even though a relationship was unlikely since he lived two states away, Lauren was flattered by the attention and had fun escaping life in a hotel for a while.
Reality hit her hard when the morning he had to leave, he gave her a long kiss and embrace and said he’d talk to her soon.
“But, you don’t have my number!” Lauren said as he was literally out the door.
“Oh…well…I’ll just see you around!” Ryan said and then left.
See you around.
See you around WHERE????
Lauren was disappointed.
But she figured Ryan just didn’t want to engage in a long-distance relationship at all.
She was unable to get any information about him—he was a guest of a co-worker at the party who no one really knew. He didn’t live in town.
She couldn’t find him on Facebook (although she wasn’t sure if she got the right spelling of his last name…or if that was indeed his last name.)
She forgot about Ryan after a few weeks and several months later, to make some extra money for the holidays, she picked up shifts as a hostess at a fine dining restaurant in town.
It was a random job; Lauren had an office desk job that had nothing to do with the service industry but wanted extra spending money.
How many fine dining restaurants are there in New Orleans? Hundreds.
And how many shifts are assigned at the fine dining place Lauren chose to work? A dozen.
And how many co-workers who happen to work during the same shift become instant friends? Even less.
And how many of those new friends who work during the same shift at the same restaurant figure out that THEY BOTH HOOKED UP WITH THE SAME GUY, only he was supposed to be in an exclusive relationship with just one of them??
Needle in a haystack sh*t!
Lauren’s new friend at work was Hillary, a server, who was SO EXCITED about her long-distance boyfriend coming to town.
She took the weekend off and reserved them a romantic table.
“It’s our four-year anniversary!” Hillary said. “And he’s never eaten here before, I can’t wait until he sees how hooked up we’re going to get!”
(Ed note: “Wait until he sees the hook up” is right. Bahahahaha)
Lauren asked a giddy Hillary more questions about her upcoming date.
“What does he do?”
“He’s a salesman who lives in Atlanta, but he comes to New Orleans a LOT.”
“Cool, what’s his name?”
“Could I…see a picture of him?” Lauren asked.
She knew before Hillary could even show her the photo that it was Ryan. The same Ryan she had spent two incredible days with nine months ago.
And then it sunk in….it was he and Hillary’s FOUR-YEAR ANNIVERSARY???!!?!?!
Lauren wasn’t the best at math but….(counts on fingers)…uhhh…yea…CHEATER.
“See ya around,” she recalls Ryan had said without taking her number.
YES, YES HE WOULD.
Lauren told Hillary that she, ahem, KNOWS him, that she actually spent time with him last year, adding, “I don’t know if you guys had an understanding back then, but…”
Hillary flipped. What??? When??? That holiday?? THAT holiday when I was visiting my family?!?!??!
(Turns out they had no such undestanding.)
“The worst part is that she was the NICEST girl,” Lauren recalls.
Hillary went home early that day (“sick to my stomach”…not far off) and the next day cancelled her reservation.
“Yea, we’re DONE, “ she told Lauren over the phone, who happily struck the reservation from the books.
“I called him out on cheating without giving details, and he admitted to cheating one time, but it was during a DIFFERENT TIME than what you told me,” Hillary said.
So basically Ryan was cheating on Hillary during and not during the holidays, clearly underestimating the power of the “It’s a Small World After All” concept.
Because it’s easy to cover the obvious bases when cheating on someone. (Phone, Facebook, an alibi.)
It’s much harder to factor in that your side-piece hookup will serendipitously take a random part-time job as a hostess at the specific restaurant where your girlfriend works and they will become fast friends and discuss you and find out you’re a big, fat cheater.
I guess that’s just the world we live in.
Thanks for keeping ‘em honest, Walt.