One of the most obnoxious things about being single is that there isn’t anyone obligated to pamper you when you’re sick, or worse, hungover.
It doesn’t help when you live 800 miles away from your twin sister so now you really have no one to make you Kraft Mac and Cheese as you lay in bed crying.
This has been my life for two days.
Laying in bed. STARVING.
NO ONE TO MAKE ME ANYTHING.
But I suppose life is even worse when you DO have someone you’re dating, but who doesn’t care that you’re alternating between cold sweats and hot sweats and seeing spots.
It reminds me of my friend Jessica when she was in college.
She was more hungover than she’d ever been in her entire life and all she wanted was a Coke Icee and a Hershey’s white chocolate bar from the gas station near her house.
It was her favorite combination.
Since she could barely lift her head, she asked her boyfriend at the time, Tommy, to buy them for her after he got out of class.
“Sure, no problem,” Tommy sad.
Jessica watched bad daytime TV and waited anxiously for her cool treat and sugary bar.
But Tommy showed up an hour or so later empty-handed, and he sat next to her flopped out on the couch.
“What the hell?” Jessica asked.
“I tried to get it for you but the ICEE machine is broken,” Tommy said. (This was a legit argument; OUT OF ORDER is a regular sign on those machines.)
Jessica’s face fell.
“But…what about the Hershey’s bar?”
“No, they don’t make them anymore,” Tommy said. “Can you believe it?”
“WHAT???” Jessica asked. “What do you mean they don’t make them??? Not at all??”
“No, I guess people don’t like white chocolate that much,” he said. “I’m really sorry. Hope you feel better.”
Jessica was already feeling like she was going to puke and now THIS. Who shows up empty-handed when their girlfriend is feeling -1000 on a scale of 1-10??
Why couldn’t he have gotten her a Blue Gatorade and some soup??? Empty-handed????
Thankfully, Jessica felt better the next day and forgot about it.
But two weeks later, Jessica and Tommy were at WalMart when Jessica saw a big industrial-sized bag of the white chocolate bars on the shelf. (It must have been near Halloween).
“OH MY GOD, LOOK!” Jessica screamed. Screamed.
“They’ve still got the white chocolate bars here! WE SHOULD BUY THEM ALL since they’re not making them anymore!”
Jessica started putting bag after bag into the cart, when she noticed Tommy smirking and laughing next to her.
“What’s so funny?” Jessica asked. “Help me get the big bag on the top shelf!”
“Yea, they still make them,” Tommy said. “I never stopped at the gas station.”
SO HE LIED TO HER ABOUT HER FAVORITE CANDY BEING DISCONTINUED???
Jessica wanted to puke again.
What a jerk. Of the very few requirements of being her boyfriend, that one was mandatory.
Not to mention she would have spent $100 in white chocolate bars had he not been with her that day.
She shunned him for the next several days…until he bought her an ICEE and a white chocolate bar as a sorry.
Was that so hard Tommy??? WAS IT????
No, no it wasn’t.
Now someone please come over and make me some Kraft Mac and cheese.