Bust out the slow clap. Everyone is getting engaged.
This used to be much less of an eye roll life event, but Facebook ruined it for all the ex’s of the world.
Because in any other time and place, an ex wouldn’t know about it unless they ran into him/her somewhere and saw a ring or something.
But now all these unwanted engagement stories show up on Facebook newsfeeds even if you’ve de-friended and/or or “hidden” said person.
And because two mutual friends “like” it (traitors!!!!), it’s now at the TOP of your page and you’re forced to stare at the little ring icon and mutter, “Cool (life) story, Hansel.”
I’d like to think that most engaged people would love to change this — to have FaceBlock actually exist (ha Arrested Development joke) — so that their BIG FAT news would never have to reach their ex’s eyeballs.
But most engaged people aren’t like Connor.
Connor, who dated my friend Amy for several months, went clear out of his way, for no other purpose than to gloat, to let her know he was engaged.
I know, let’s all say it together: Cool story, Hansel.
(Also: Gloating is only acceptable for my kickball team.)
Connor and Amy had known each other for years and suddenly decided they liked each other and went on a bunch of fancy dates.
Amy did like him and envisioned him being her boyfriend, but he sort of played her and dumped her and then yelled at her about returning his waffle iron. (Cool story…)
Amy was actually sad and depressed when Connor broke up with her since it was unexpected and a tinge embarrassing, but he made it worse by harassing her about the stupid effing waffle iron and then after she gave it back, he started expressly ignoring her at weddings and other functions where they were both in the same room.
Or sitting at the same table.
But that all changed dramatically when he got engaged exactly a YEAR later.
It was Mardi Gras and Amy was walking her bicycle through a crowded corner for a parade when she heard someone yell her name behind her.
It was Connor, actually flagging her down.
“Oh, hey,” she said, confused since he had made it his mission to ignore her for quite some time now.
This time, though, he actually crossed the street to talk to her.
“Having a good Mardi Gras?” he asked, like he cared.
“Yea, it’s fine,” Amy said.
“Yea, I’m having A GREAT TIME!” Connor said without being asked.
“My brother is in town from Colorado and we’re getting drunk!”
“Cool,” Amy said.
“Yea, he’s in town for my engagement party!” Connor said nonchalantly. Then he stared at her for a reaction.
“ENGAGEMENT PARTY!” he repeated.
Haha repeated. (He must be really happy about it.)
Amy says: “I think this detail is important, he didn’t say he was engaged, just mentioned someone was in town for his engagement party.”
Uhhhhh file this under completely unnecessary information.
Is there any good reason why she needed to know this?
Has he been waiting to run into her just to pass along this
happy news cool story??
EYE ROLL TWICE.
I guess they won’t be needing a waffle iron as a wedding gift.