MONTHS ago, when I thought I could meet someone decent online (and by “decent” I mean someone with a job, a kind heart and a minimal criminal record…seriously…these are my new standards, thanks NOLA….) 

I put a disclaimer on my profile that said I “wasn’t going to automatically sleep with you” if we meet in person. 

I HATED that I had to write that, but learned it the hard way, when a guy I met in person went in for a full-on makeout kiss the minute we met, before even saying hello. 

No seriously. 

“Hey are you Brian–WOAH WHAT THE EFF ARE YOU DOING????”

From then on, I decided that I obviously needed to be very clear that I didn’t want to meet hornball freaks.

So I put up a disclaimer. Right up there at the top, too, with instructions: “so move on if that’s all you’re interested in….”

Immediately, I noticed I got considerably less messages than before I added the disclaimer, which I found part hilarious and part incredibly depressing.  

But then the messages starting trickling back into my inbox. 

I had hope! 

These must be the REALLY respectful guys!!!  



These are the guys who just can’t read. 

Below is a list of the most hilariously, uh, off the mark messages I’ve received, all ridiculous and insulting in their own right, but even better since they were sent after I basically described myself as a being a prude.

1.) Kiss me

2.) Hey there, I’m lying in bed, relaxing…Tell me more about you – one random thing, one hot thing.

3.) We should definitely hook up. 
(Ed. note: Haha definitely)

4.) I’m feeling your profile and you are a very attractive woman who looks like she knows what she wants and could be fun to get sexy with. 

5.) After a rigorous review of your profile, i have already married and divorced you in my mind. Thanks for the wonderful imaginary memories.  

6.) Wanna come over?

7.) I’m going to be in New Orleans this weekend I’m very successful would you like to be my personal tour guide 😉 

8.) I need to spoon bad

And, I’m assuming this is sexual in nature but still…our winner… 

9.) I’m an orphan want to be my mommy? 


Heavens no, child. 

But I will help you learn how to read.


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