I thought that when I turned 30 I’d stop hearing about childish guys doing childish things on Facebook but NO WAY.
NO WAY JOSÉ!!!
We ARE the first generation of Facebook users and have just as much of a right to abuse social media as 13-year-olds, ThankYouVeryMuch.
Up until now, though, I’ve only witnessed (and have experienced first-hand in the past, ugh) the ever-so-smooth, absolutely not obvious, all-of-a-sudden posting and tagging of photos showing how much fun a guy is having with another girl two days after you end things.
Slow spelling: C-O-O-L
No, it doesn’t matter that for the entire time you knew him, his page was pretty much inactive, not even a goodbye message during the Mayan end of the world.
No! What’s more important is an upload (first one ever!!!) of his new girlfriend’s cat.
Or the two of them goofing off in a gas station among the different flavors of Doritos.
My favorite story is still this guy who REFUSED to upload any pictures to Facebook, including a picture of white-water rafting with his then-girlfriend (“I don’t know how to use uploader”) but then exactly a week after they break up, he feels the need to upload a picture of “homemade cookies by Kayla!!! Thanks Kayla!!!”
(FYI no one knew a Kayla. Kayla just appeared.)
But all this is BABY stuff compared to what Andrew, my friend Rachel’s horrible ex-husband, has been doing on Facebook lately.
Andrew, now a THREE-TIME TOOLBAG TUESDAY Dundie Award winner, just can’t stop.
Quick back story: Andrew was married to my friend Rachel and decided to not only cheat on her but fall in love with his mistress, who was also married.
He kept all this a secret until he was caught red-handed, and now he and his mistress are engaged. And pregnant.
Rachel got the F out of that marriage and got out of the small town they lived in immediately, and for the past year has been living a carefree, loser-free life in a more civilized place.
But last week, Rachel got a text from a friend, who was still friends with Andrew on Facebook:
“Oh my God, have you seen Andrew’s Facebook today”
No, of course she hadn’t seen it, she’s not friends with him in any world.
“Why? What does it say?” she asked.
YA’LL. FOR REAL…..
Andrew wrote as his status:
“If anyone has gotten any messages from me DELETE THEM! It’s my ex-wife who hacked into my account and is messing with people.
No. No. NO. She absolutely, unequivocally did not do anything of the sort. Andrew was lying…LYING to all his Facebook friends!!!!
But it gets better.
“Keep in mind, NO ONE commented or liked it or anything,” Rachel said.
Yet, five minutes after Andrew posted that, he commented on his own status:
“It’s sad really, she did it with the $3,000 LAPTOP THAT I BOUGHT HER!”
He can read
But he still wasn’t done.
“Again, NO ONE commented or liked it,” Rachel repeats.
Basically, he was having this conversation with himself.
“SHE’S JUST MAD THAT I’VE MOVED ON WITH MY LIFE AND SHE’S NOTHING BUT A BAD MEMORY.”
It takes a special kind of asshole to lie and cheat on your wife while impregnating someone else and then say that SHE’S the bad memory.
…On top of airing this libel-ous ridiculousness to all of Facebook.
Rachel didn’t touch it, because “he only wants attention from me and my family,” she concluded.
(Their divorce had recently been finalized.)
And what I can only cop to “level-headedness of steel” she just rolled her eyes and moved on with her day.
But her next status?
“People make me laugh!” she wrote.
I liked it.