File this under the lamest excuse EVER to break up with someone: Sorry, but you tried to hold my hand.
That is NOT one of the 50 ways to leave your lover.
There are plenty of reasons why someone wouldn’t want their hand held, like maybe it’s flu season, or maybe the person who wants to hold your hand just ate a whole bunch of crawfish at a boil and that smell LINGERS, ya’ll.
But Jack, this guy who my friend Jessica had been SLEEPING WITH for three weeks, didn’t mean it in any of those ways.
Jessica noticed that Jack hadn’t been returning her calls for a week. The last time they hung out was at their neighborhood bar, where she evidentally committed the hand-holding crime.
When she texted him, “Hey, why haven’t you been returning my calls?” Jack replied, “Because you tried to hold my hand at the bar.”
“So, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
Right, I get it. Jack didn’t want anything romantic aside from casually hooking up.
But perhaps he could have said Sorry, I’m just not that into you.
Or, I’m not ready for a relationship; I’m just a big, dumb slut.
You know, something about this being HIS problem.
But no. He had to go ahead and put the blame on some chick who had already held SEVERAL of his body parts.
HOW DARE SHE TRY AND HOLD HIS HAND???
I mean, of all the things to worry about doing wrong in a new relationship – Am I coming off too dorky??? Did I get too drunk at dinner?? Did he smell my stinky feet??? (uh…for example) this one is ridiculous.
Holding someone’s hand!! The tiniest romantic gesture ever!
What a mean guy.
Next time just slip out the back, Jack.