What do you do when you’re married and apparently bored with your wife and want to get a bunch of girls to text you for your own gross, horny pleasure??


Rule #1: Make sure you tell all the girls that you’re married upfront so they can excuse your completely inappropriate text messages. 

…Because once you announce that you’re married, you’re off the hook for anything inappropriate, right??? 

How can you be inappropriate when you’re off the market??

This is what Paul, my friend’s co-worker did (uhhhh and is still doing). 

Paul and Sarah are both in their late 20s and co-workers who work opposite shifts at the zoo (The zoo!!! Best job ever!!). 

She saw a flyer on the employee bulletin board offering his services as a personal trainer on the side. 

Sarah was in the market to train up.

Her first text was “Hey, I’d love some help if the offer is still good!” after telling him that she was a fellow employee.

Paul knew who she was. 

“How can I say no to a gorgeous redhead?” he replied, which was weird because they had met ONE time almost two years ago. 

They had back-and-forth texts that were definitely flirty when he wrote, “you know I’m married, right?”

“Yea, I thought you were,” Sarah texted back, rolling her eyes at the married guy’s first text to her calling her a “gorgeous redhead.”

But she gave him the benefit of the doubt, since she works with mostly men and was used to dirty jokes and inappropriate banter all the time. 

After typing, “Yea, I thought you were,” she wrote, “I figured all this was just talk.”

“No, I’m serious,” Paul said. 

THEN OMG…..”I started getting messages like the following…” Sarah says.

“The things I would do to a smoking hot ginger like u would embarrass farm animals, lol. But I digress…” 

FARM ANIMALS!!!!!???!!! 


Interesting he’d bring up animals. Sarah pictured the turtles in the zoo who were always, uh, mating, and then got super grossed out.

“Are you joking?” she wrote back.

“No. I was being truthful when I said I thought you were stunning from the day I saw you,” Paul wrote.

Sarah stared at the phone confused. They had met ONE time, TWO years ago.


Sarah tried to bring it back to the non-sexual business at hand.

“I just wanted to work out and lose a few pounds,” she wrote. 

Paul didn’t (want to) take the hint.

“It’s cool…we’re all the same size laying down…or on our knees ;)” he wrote. 

On our knees!!!!!!!!!!??!

You know, I’m starting to think he’s not a personal trainer at all.

Paul then texted Sarah about how he likes teasing women to the point of them begging him to do things that involve quivering and are too gross for me to type considering it’s from a married man.

DUDE!!! CALL A SEX PHONE LINE!!  Don’t pretend that you’re offering “personal training” services just to talk dirty to someone. Pay by the minute like everyone else.

What a freak.

Sarah said she then asked Paul if he and his wife “had some sort of arrangement”  with that kind of talk. 

Maybe swingers?? Maybe an “open relationship”??

He said no, there were no arrangements, which made Sarah feel really, really bad for his wife. 

And then she felt even worse when Paul’s next text was, “Crap. I got to go. Can I text u tomorrow? The wife is sorta home right now lol.”

CRAP my wife is home??? LOL???

That’s funny to no one, Paul. 

Sarah didn’t write back.

The next morning, she woke up to another text from him.  “Yo! Wake up hooker! Stop dreaming about me!”


Dreaming about him??? HOOKER???

She deleted all his texts and his number. 

And she has felt particularly grossed out watching animals at the zoo mate ever since.


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