Now, I’m all for communication in a relationship, especially on the guy’s part since historically they’re retards when it comes to that.

But romantic guys DO exist, ya’ll!!

You know, the ones who aren’t emotionally unavailable, who don’t have a problem waxing on about fate and love and soul searching, and who aren’t afraid to have those actual words come out of their mouths.

But…alas…those guys are retards, too.

Yes. Retards.

Because I can’t think of any other explanation for why a guy would tell a girl who HE’S HOOKING UP WITH ethereal and profound things about his feelings and then follow it up with an, “Oh, but it’s about someone else.”



My friend Laura was recently in this very annoying situation.

She had been seeing this guy Charles for the past month or so and against her better judgment, went home with him a few times. (Yes, it was good.)

Charles was cute and smart and in her line of work, so they had things in common.
Their trysts weren’t every night, but certainly regular enough that she was giddy about the prospect of being his girlfriend.

He texted and called a lot to chat or vent about work, even bitching about his ex who sent him “effed up” messages on Facebook.

Laura nodded and offered support. They continued to flirt and have sleepovers.

But then three days passed, and she didn’t hear from him. Where was Charles? What was going on? Her texts went unanswered.

“You OK?” she texted again.

“Yes,” Charles finally wrote back. “I just have feelings for someone for the first time in a long time and I didn’t think it could ever happen again.”

Laura was beyond flattered.

Did she really make that big of an impression so quickly?? Enough so that she reinforced his faith in LOVE?? 

“Oh yea?” she wrote back, blushing.

“Yes. I may actually feel something. It’s kind of revolutionary in my life actually.”


Be still my Laura’s heart!

She was thinking of something cute to write back when she got another text.

“It’s Mary.”

Mary?? Who the F is Mary?

“Mary?” Laura wrote back. “????”

“Yea, your friend Mary,” Charles wrote. “I’ve been hanging out with her and nothing has really happened yet, but I really like her.”
This was NOT something he should be telling a girl he had slept with the week before. That his Shakespeare-like love was for her friend and not her.
He’s either a sadist, or a retard.
Laura didn’t know what to do with this sudden news. Half of her was in shock, half of her was embarrassed for thinking she was his “revolutionary” love heroine.
No. She was just there for his pleasure. Gross.
Before she could write anything back, he wrote, She’s been the subject of my deep thinking all day.”

Nice one, Romeo.
Don’t let the short bus door hit you on the way home.


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