I saw the cutest picture of a dog the other day, a picture on my friend Stacy’s phone.
It was a picture text from Zack, a guy she had met online but who she had never met in person.
They had discussed his dog, a Labrador/Pitt Bull mix, in their online messages. He wasn’t lying, the dog was cute. And the little guy was sitting on a fuzzy mat.
It had a curious expression on its face, like how dogs cock their heads to one side and look confused when you ask them rhetorical questions like where you left your car keys.
(“WHERE, PEPPY? WHERE ARE THEY????”)
This dog had that curious expression in the picture, too. Ears alert. Doggie eyebrows raised.
Texting a girl a picture of your cute dog is really a good move. Chicks dig guys who have cute dogs, so says every single romantic comedy, ever.
It’s a foolproof text, too. Nobody’s going to look at a picture of a cute dog and be like UGH.
The picture of Zack’s cute dog was preceded by another text.
“Wanna see something funny?” he had typed. It was his first text message ever to her.
“Sure,” Stacy replied.
Then the photo of his dog.
And under the photo: “Here’s a picture of my dog watching me take a shit.”
An UGH response to a picture of a cute dog.
Stacy actually didn’t respond at all. She stared at the picture in horror. The dog’s face no longer looked cute and curious, it looked grossed out.
No, the dog looked frightened, either by what it was seeing or hearing.
DUDE. What guy in his right mind over the age of 14 would think that would be something a girl would want to see/imagine?!!?
Especially a girl you’ve never met, who you hope to go on a date with???
Instead of asking, “Wanna see something funny,” Zack should have said, “Wanna to see something demented?”
Stacy was now picturing this guy, pants around his ankles, taking a massive dump. Playing on his phone. Torturing his poor dog.
LEAVING THE DOOR OPEN.
Five minutes later, he texted her again.
“Not into that sort of thing, huh?”