You know those movies where they show scenes of a girl going on horrible date after horrible date, and you see her uncomfortably sip wine and look for the nearest exit?
Welcome to online dating!!!!!
Online dating is the worst.
Instead of having a computer filter out the people that aren’t right for you, as promised, online dating is actually its own culture of freak shows, guys who have weird fetishes, “open” marriages and no disregard for the age range you list on your profile.
(“Hey there good-looking. I know I’m 50, but I’m a young 50!”)
And, seriously, I’d like to yell at the person who told guys that it’s sexy to take a picture of themselves shirtless in their bathroom mirror…with their flip phone.
Isn’t that just the cheesiest thing in the whole world??? (At the very least, put away your toiletry bag of Axe body spray.)
Oh, but it gets worse.
Below is a top ten list of the most hilariously awful toolbaggy online dating experiences my friends and I have had, in no particular order, straight out of a movie.
Guys pay attention. These are DON’Ts:
1.) The first few emails, some guy tried to get me to tell him my fantasies, and when I said it’s a little soon for that talk he says this is the time where I need to let him know the “inner me” and he will decide if he is willing to accept me.
2.) The guy who asked me if I wore ballet flats and then requested that I send him a picture of my feet in them the next time I wore them.
3.) The one guy I went out with who told me I could stay over and not to worry because he kept a box of disposable tooth brushes.
4.) The guy who had a pet monkey named Terrence, “because it was a good N-word name.”
(Ed. Note: This guy needs to be kicked off the planet.)
5.) The guy that sent four separate messages to me over 2 months being a different person each time, with a completely different name and different job, with no regard to having sent the ones before.
(Ed. Note: He may be wanted by the law.)
6.) The guy who asked me for a hook up for weed because he was new to town and tired of ordering the legal stuff online.
7.) First email: “Can we bang? please”
8.) The guy who got my number and called that night and instead of asking me out, tried to have phone sex. I told him no and hung up. He still texts me randomly between 2 and 5 a.m.
9.) First email: “I wondered if you might be interested in having an affair with me. I’m a 25 year old grad student, attractive, with a girlfriend. I think we could have fun, but you seem too reasonable to do something like this.”
(Ed note: backhanded compliment.)
10.) And let’s not forget old mayonnaise fingers:
MOVIE PRODUCERS!!! CALL ME FOR THE RIGHTS!!!!
Now if you will excuse me, I’ll be at the SPCA…looking to adopt a bunch of cats.