The best way to find out a guy’s true feelings about your personality?
Deny him sex.
Because THAT’S when a certain breed of shitheads show their true colors and start spitting out reasons why you suck.
In what…in an attempt to make you change your mind??
Oh, baby, tell me more about how selfish I am! It makes me so HOT.
This is sadly what happened to my friend Julia, who wasted an entire month of her life dating this guy Eric.
After being nothing but a super doting, super complimentary perfect gentleman, he freaked out on her one night because she was too tired/drunk to have sex with him.
At 2 a.m.
On a school night.
After a month of dating.
Sounds silly, right? Like, WHO IS THIS GUY???
Unfortunately, Eric’s not the only one. I’ve heard countless other versions of this situation from friends. (ummm…like this one. FML).
It’s annoyingly common. Bottom line: Guys hate it when they don’t get what they want in bed, and in turn, they make you cry.
The thing that was so brutal about this particular situation was that up until that point, every single thing that came out of Eric’s mouth was perfect (Ugh. Typical).
The entire MONTH they hung out/emailed/texted daily, Julia said it was all about how amazing she was, how smart she was, how it was FATE that they met. Eric would even joke to her, “don’t screw this up” because he was so into her.
Ironic. She didn’t screw (it up)
Eric dropped books and music off at her apartment, “things that reminded him of her,” leaving them on the porch with notes about how happy he was that he met her.
Oh but there’s more.
He cooked her dinner and emailed her job openings. HE MET HER EVERY DAY IN HER OFFICE PARKING LOT TO BRING HER A COFFEE. (He worked nearby).
Never before had Julia heard such sweet things, and they sounded genuine.
Before Eric’s freak out, they had plans to go to a wedding, and he showed her the bottle of champagne he bought for them to drink beforehand, as a celebration of what fun they’d have.
Right. He would have fooled me, too.
As the icing on the cake, Julia said Eric actually said aloud that he didn’t mind or care if they never slept together because he liked her so much he’d be happy to have her around in ANY capacity.
She was drunk with compliments.
But then he turned psycho.
(Or maybe he always was psycho, and she was just drunk.)
One night after going out dancing (SWOON TWICE) and having a great time, she spent the night and he tried to make a move.
No, she said, she was too tired and had to be at work in, oh, five hours.
“Are you mad?” Julia asked.
“No,” he said, visibly mad.
Eric had stopped cuddling her and rolled over and was staring at the ceiling.
(He was mad.)
Now, since Eric and Julia only hung out for a month, and hadn’t done anything other than go on cute dates, he couldn’t really turn out a legitimate insult.
God knows he tried.
“NO, you know why I’m MAD????” Eric said. “I’m MAD…at that TONE you used earlier, when you said you didn’t want to walk in the rain.”
“Um, what??” Julia asked.
“I MEAN, WHO TALKS TO SOMEONE LIKE THAT???” he yelled.
Julia didn’t remember saying anything like that at all, and Eric certainly didn’t bring it up before that moment.
(He didn’t bring it up before they went to bed. Or when they were dancing in the kitchen.)
“Wait, since when are you mad about my ‘tone?’”
“SINCE EARLIER!!!” he growled. “AND…I DIDN’T LIKE IT WHEN YOU TOLD ME THERE WAS A PUDDLE AND YOU DIDN’T WANT TO WALK IN IT!”
That was his biggest problem with her.
Julia said Eric’s entire persona changed. He was angry and mean. Fidgety even.
“AND YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT OUR DATE TO THE WEDDING!” he said, and then turned away.
I mean, even if her “tone” was indeed pissy, did that punishment fit the “crime?”
Heaven forbid someone uses a “tone” he doesn’t like. YOU CAN JUST FORGET ABOUT THE WEDDING!
(I asked Julia if she was positive this guy was really in his 30s.)
“Since when do you have all these terrible things to say about me?” she asked. “What is going on right now??”
Julia began to cry. Eric was unaffected. He was sexually frustrated, and it brought out his true colors.
Still crying, mostly with disappointment at how her Prince Charming had turned into an effing troll, Julia went to the couch, because it was late and she was drunk and driving home wasn’t safe.
Eric came into the living room and coaxed her back to bed, but she was still terribly sad.
Three hours of bad sleep later, Julia’s phone alarm went off and she noticed with shock that Eric was actually trying to HOOK UP WITH HER.
“You’re kidding,” she said. “I went to bed crying last night because of you.”
Cue Psycho round 2:
“DON’T WAKE UP IN MY HOUSE WITH THAT ATTITUDE!” he yelled.
“You can LEAVE,” he said, turning away.
Julia had never been so disrespected in her entire life.
…And from someone who had made her feel nothing less than a goddess on a pedestal for the past month.
It was heartbreaking.
It was heartbreaking.
Julia collected her things in a record 20 seconds and left his apartment.
Later that day, Eric sent her an EMAIL “apologizing,” although he only apologized for what he said she had interpreted incorrectly. (Typical.)
He then told her he’d still like to take her to the wedding, in which she LOL’d at the computer screen.
She called him after work to talk about what happened, but Eric wasn’t apologetic on the phone. He wasn’t even nice.
In his response to her, “what happened last night??” he replied, “I THINK YOU’RE RUDE AND SELFISH AND SELF-CENTERED.”
DUDE. Selfish how exactly??? SELFISH WITH HER…LADY PARTS?
Julia did nothing to deserve this treatment.
She cried again. What happened to how effing amazing she was??
How could someone who said such wonderful things be such a monster?
“Look, you’re the one who got all pissy because I wouldn’t sleep with you,” she said, standing up for herself.
“Look, I’m not really interested in re-hashing anything,” Eric said. “Now, do you have anything NEW you’d like to say to me?”
(Uhhh…my fist and your mouth??)
“Well…” Julia said. “You put on a really good front. You really had me fooled that you were a decent person.”
It was totally an honest thing to say, and she was looking forward to his response. But he had none.
He hung up.
And that’s the last she ever heard from him. Done. Cold turkey.
The same guy who told her repeatedly how much he was into her, how he can’t stop thinking about her, how he did “backflips down the street” at how happy he was that he met her…hung up on her and never, ever contacted her again.
What an effing joke.
May he step in rain puddles for the rest of his life.
Or drown. Whatever.