The only movie that I like with Jennifer Aniston in it is a chick movie called Picture Perfect.

It comes on Lifetimesometimes. 
Go ahead. I won’t judge.
Basically, Jennifer Aniston’s character lies to her boss about being engaged because he thinks an employee will have more loyalty to a company when they have a lot going on in their lives that they need to pay for (house, car, wedding…)
…and those are the employees who get promotions.
(Promotions!!! Remember that word, ya’ll??? It’s so late 1990s.)
Anyway. That’s not the point.
The point is Kevin Bacon.
Kevin Bacon!!!
He’s in the movie and he works at the same place as Jennifer Aniston.
She’s got this total crush on him, but he’s not interested in her until she’s….“engaged” and seemingly happy with someone else.
And then he swoops in to try and mess it all up.
Because aren’tgirls just so much more desirablewhen they’re with somebody else??
And how good does it feel to your ego when, if given the option, she chooses you over her happy relationship??
It certainly worked for Harry.
He and my friend Robin dated for about six months but she broke up with him because he couldn’t commit.
She realized Harry was more of a, “I’ll text you when I feel like hanging out at this exact moment” person rather than someone who planned dates and told her sweet nothings out of the blue.
And Robin wanted someone who thought about her at least once a day.
It was hard breaking up, of course, but she quickly found someone else (lucky b*tch. 
Sort of.)
But, two-and-a-half-months later (the amount of time when you just start to get over an ex) Harry showed up AT HER HOUSE.
She was there with her new boyfriend and she opened the door, confused.
“Hey…do you have any extra Ambien? I can’t sleep,” Harry said.
It was the first thing he said to her in 2.5 months.
A drug request.
“Um…sure…” Robin said, completely taken aback at him STANDING AT HER DOOR without warning.
She let him in, introduced him to her new (scowling) boyfriend, and gave him some sleeping pills.
And he didn’t even pay her for them.
Two days later, Harry couldn’t hold in his feelings anymore.
“Do you want to get lunch?” he texted her. “I really miss you and hate to see you with someone else. It was so great to see you the other day.”
Robin swooned. Harry had NEVER asked her out to lunch like that before and certainly never texted her that he missed her.
“Ok,” she said.  
Yet, the day before their planned lunch, Harry came by her house again.
This time, she was alone.
“What the-?” she opened the door. “You can’t call first?”
“I need more Ambien,” he said, sauntering in the house.
He walked right upstairs to her room, and she followed and he turned around and kissed her and then they, uh, did it.
Robin was so excited to be with him again, it was so familiar and he was so into her now.
But then five minutes passed.
“Look, I know you really like me but you have a boyfriend,” Harry said, smugly, in her bed.
“Yea, but…” Robin said.
“So, you reallyshould be with him,” Harry said. “So, I don’t think we should go to lunch after all.”
How mortifying!!!! And where was this mentality when he came over and shook the guy’s hand??
But lunch would have been pointless, really. Harry conquered his quest. He successfully swooped in and messed everything up. No need to bring arugula salad into the mix.
Harry then stood up, put his clothes on and then actually asked where her sleeping pills were.
Robin threw things at him and screamed that she hopes he has nightmares forever. He left the house empty-handed, and she has never heard from him since.
God I hate Kevin Bacon.

One thought on “TOOLBAG TUESDAY

  1. You do realize that the Kevin Bacon character is to the chick flick protagonist as most women are to us guys in real life? I mean, seriously, as soon as you have a girlfriend, that one girl you always liked comes out of the woodworks and messes shit up. But I agree. I hate Kevin Bacon too. 😉


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