It’s hard to insist that you didn’t throw a bunch of beer bottles at your ex-girlfriend’s car window overnight when:

a.) she just broke up with you

b.) you know the code to get into her apartment complex where her car was parked

c.) you love Shlitz beer more than anything and that was the only brand of beer bottles found at the scene.

I mean, come on. Don’t say that shit Shlitz wasn’t you.

“You’re the only one in the whole world who drinks that!!!” my friend yelled at her ex the next day, and then told him how much it was going to cost to get fixed.

He denied it and then asked her who ELSE she must have pissed off in town. (hahahahaha)

Not only did she have to drop a few hundred dollars, but she got no satisfaction from a guilty party taking responsibility.

Even though we all KNEW it was him, we never figured out how to pin it on the shithead.

It’s so frustrating when it’s obvious someone you’re dating did something crazy but won’t admit it.

It’s even worse when you SEE him doing something crazy with your VERY OWN EYES and he still “doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

This happened to my friend Robin. She and Kenneth had been dating for a few weeks and actually said things with him were going well.

He invited her out one Wednesday but she said she was going to take it easy and do laundry and go to bed early, etc.

…And that’s exactly what she was doing when she got a phone call from a girlfriend who was upset and crying about something.

Robin walked out to her front porch away from the TV so she could talk with no distractions.

That’s when she saw a truck with its headlights on halfway down the block from her view from the porch.

A car with its headlights on is always suspicious, and Robin didn’t live in the best neighborhood. She made a mental note.

After ten minutes, the truck hadn’t moved and Robin looked closer. It looked JUST like the late model pickup truck that Kenneth drove.

But, no, it couldn’t be.

As her friend continued to ramble into the cell phone, Robin crept off the porch and towards the pickup. That’s when she saw Kenneth’s PERSONALIZED LICENSE PLATE: “ANIMAAL”

It WAS him! What was he doing at her house???

Robin started walking closer and closer and was two parked cars distance away when the truck’s ignigition started and the driver peeled out, pedal to the metal, leaving a high-pitched “EEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR” in its wake, leaving Robin in its dust.

She squinted at the “ANIMAAL” license plate getting smaller and smaller.

“What the hell was that?” her friend asked.

“I…think that was Kenneth,” Robin said.

Kenneth, of course, denied he was there at all.


He said no, that wasn’t him, she must have seen someone else.

She must have seen another ANIMAAL?

Look, if you’re going to be a stalker, get a rental car or something.

Robin tried to get Kenneth to at least admit that a truck with the same make and model and same personalized license plate as his suddenly peeling off when she approached seemed….suspicious.

He didn’t agree.

Confused, Robin didn’t know what to do about Kenneth after that. Was she supposed to get over/forgive this?

She knew what she saw! THE LICENSE PLATE SAID ‘ANIMAAL!’

It turns out she didn’t have to decide. Kenneth decided for her. He stopped retuning her calls and never called or texted her again.


Was he ashamed? Insulted?

How is that SHE gets dumped in this situation?

Maybe I’ll buy her a six-pack of Shlitz.


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