NEWSFLASH GUYS: not all girls want you.
And ASSuming that makes an ass out of you and me.
No, but I’m serious. This has happened to me more than once, most recently this past weekend.
I was dancing at a bar and this very tall man was dancing in the front row (Toolbag!!! Height order dude) and since I’m very short, I couldn’t see the stage because his torso was blocking my view.
“Excuse me,” I tapped him on the shoulder. “Do you think I could get in front of you, because I’m shorter than you?” I asked him.
“Look, I’m here with my WIFE, OK?” he said, looking down on me, giving me a shitty look.
Um….does that make you SHORTER??? I wanted to yell at him.
Instead I gave HIM a shitty look.
But he didn’t see me way down there.
I’m sorry, but was I unknowingly hitting on him??
Did I mistakenly ask him if I could grind on him and take him home?
I couldn’t believe it!
This guy was giving me a shitty look and making me feel like an A-hole when he was the sasquatch dancing front and center!!!
AND I WASN’T HITTING ON HIM!
This happened this past summer too, at a music festival, when I was standing in an insanely long beer line.
I looked at the guy standing in the long line next to me, and said “damn, this line suuuucks” and he immediately responded with, “Look, I have a girlfriend.”
“Um, OK,” I said.
He continued to stare straight ahead and deliberately not look left anymore, making me feel so uncomfortable that I wanted to scream.
I was fuming that other people in line heard him say that, AS IF HE WAS TURNING ME DOWN OR SOMETHING.
Then I had an internal conflict over whether to go in another beer line, but I didn’t want to make his “rejection” true.
I mean, WTF?
I wasn’t hitting on him! He’s the ass here…and then he has to make me feel bad???
HELLO! It’s not that uncommon for people at music festivals to make small talk when they’re going to be standing in line together for the next 15 minutes.
I’ve met wonderful people in the bathroom line at Jazz Fest, for example.
But this jerk….I tell ya.
HEY, A-HOLE, IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU WERE CAUGHT CHEATING. WITH A SHORT BLONDE.
Which must have been the case, because his girlfriend came over a few minutes later and he made an obvious and gratuitous display of making out with her and grabbing her ass. And I could swear she gave me a look.
LIKE I GIVE A SHIT!
I, for one, never ASSume anyone is trying to hit on me unless they say things that are, oh…I don’t know…SUGGESTIVE.
When I was at a Christmas party last year and a cute waiter tapped me on the shoulder to tell me I still had the tag on my dress, (d’oh!!!) I wasn’t like, LOOK I’M HERE WITH A DATE SIR. HOW DARE YOU!!
Or the time a guy pointed out at a bar that the bartender was taking a freaking MONTH to take people’s orders, I didn’t say, LOOK, I’M PUTTING THIS BEER ON MY BOYFRIEND’S TAB! DON’T LOOK AT ME!
Maybe it’s because I’ve never been caught cheating. With a short blonde.
And I’m not a toolbag.