Oh, dear Lord, bachelor pads can be creepy.
The all-leather furniture, red accents, mirror above the bed, big T-shirt “pajamas” for a girl already folded and ready (ahem, Jersey Shore).
Nick, a guy who lived next to my boyfriend in college, had a bachelor pad so ridiculous that I would parade my girlfriends through it whenever possible.
It wasn’t just the “Zen” water fountain that Nick had in the living room or the “Zen” rock garden on the coffee table. (Although, those were pretty amazing….y’all, he’s so CENTERED!!)
No, Nick won the creepiest bachelor pad award for his snakes.
He was actually turned on by snakes. Maybe he had some bizarre infatuation with Adam and Eve? The devil? SLYTHERIAN HOUSE FROM HARRY POTTER???
Eh, he probably just saw a porn movie once and thought…I’ll do that to my bedroom!
Along the bedroom wall, opposite from his bed, was a tank probably 4 feet long, and there were six or seven snakes in there all curled up on top of one another.
(I, for one, hate snakes and their beady eyes and their distrusting personalities. Guinea Pigs would turn me on more, seriously.)
“Woah!” I said to Nick when I first saw his room and the snake tank (with my boyfriend in tow.)
I peered cautiously into the tank and saw the fairly large snakes moving around, tongues lashing out as they slid by one another. Some were yellow-ish, others black.
I tried to remember the rhyme for how to tell if a snake is poisonous…red touches black, you’re OK, Jack; red touches yellow, you’re an unlucky fellow.
“Dude, show her the light,” my then-boyfriend said.
I gave them both a quizzical look.
Nick smiled, creepy, and turned on two RED SPOTLIGHTS under the snake tank and then turned the bedroom overhead light off.
My mouth dropped as I looked around his room and saw the outline of the snakes on the walls and ceiling, moving around in red shadows.
He actually rigged up spotlights to create a moving shadow of all of his snakes, a scene I’m sure dozens of girls had to suffer through when laying down in his bed.
I think the snakes actually liked the red light, because I swear they all perked up and moved around more when it was on and Oh My God If I Went Home With A Guy And He Pulled This, I’d Scream.
“This is what I imagine hell to look like,” I said unapologetically, hunched over, trying to keep myself as far away from the ceiling and walls as possible. As if the shadows would turn into actual snakes and fall on me.
I almost started rocking back and forth.
“No way,” Nick said to me. “Girls love it. It’s sexy.”
“GIRLS like this?” I asked.
“Oh, yea,” he answered in a very Quagmire-from-Family-Guy-type way. He may have winked, too.
I wanted to ask him what music he played on the massive stereo in the corner to go along with the slithering snakes — techno? Rage Against the Machine? What music DO they play in hell, really? — but I didn’t want to picture it.
I also wondered if he ever took it a step further and FED the snakes live mice with the red light on.
Was THAT sexy too?
I was surpised to find out that Nick had a pretty impressive revolving door of women, some repeats too!!! so I guess his reptiles didn’t remind EVERYONE of hell.
(Or maybe the girls were too drunk to notice the red snake shadows slithering about.)
I suppose future boyfriends should thank Nick for having the Creepiest Bachelor Pad In The World, because everything else pales in comparison.
I no longer scoff at weird artwork hanging on the wall and variety of dumbbells stacked in the corner, because I know how much worse it could be.
I’m now grateful for the zebra rug and the extra toothbrush on the sink.
And the bottle of conditioner in the shower.
Even a glowing BLACK LIGHT is better than red snake shadows.
P.S. Any guy who takes this advice for their bachelor pad I imagine will be very lonely.