Oh, Facebook.
Such a wonderful outlet to catch toolbags being toolbags.

Back in the 90s, it used to be that if you were to catch your guy with another girl or being dumb, it was through multiple avenues, a lot of he said, she said.

To quote my favorite movie in the whole world, Friday:

Joi: Who the f*ck you go to the show with last night?

Craig: I didn’t go to the show last night.

Joi: You ain’t got to liiiiie Craig, you ain’t got to liiiiie…

Craig: Ain’t nobody lyin, I didn’t go to the show.

Joi: Yes you did. Cause my sister-in-law’s baby cousin Tracy. She told me that she saw you at the show all hugged up with some tramp. Now tell me whoooo she was.

Today, you don’t need your sister-in-law’s baby cousin. You can just go on Facebook to see that the guy who stood you up for happy hour drinks “checked in” at a bowling alley with “@Amanda.”

Joi: Oh helllllll naw, who the f*ck is that bi*ch?

…said my friend Leslie to me on the phone last month. She was drunk at happy hour with an emergency girlfriend who met her last minute.

“Wait, so, you NEVER heard from Jeremy?” I asked her.

“NO!” she screamed. “He said we’d meet at this brewery at five-thirty and he never showed up and I’ve been texting him. And I just checked Facebook on my phone and he’s bowling. With Amanda.”

I could almost hear his Friday-esque response: Quit trippin, that’s just Debbie from down the street.

Amanda, however, wasn’t from down the street. She was his new lady.

“Never be single!” Leslie wailed “MEN ARE SCUM.”

Leslie’s case probably isn’t the worst one you’ve ever heard about Facebook outing someone for being a liar or a loser or a creep.

There are probably hundreds and hundreds of websites about Facebook calling someone out. The interwebs never lies!!

My friend’s daughter found out that her boyfriend wanted to break up when he removed the “in a relationship with..” thing on his page. She got an email about it.
“Peter is no longer listed as being in a relationship with you. Thanks for playing.”

But they were in high school.

We’re supposed to be more grown up than that, right?

Not Charlie.

My friend Gwen was in a six-month long-distance relationship with Charlie (don’t do it kids!) and hadn’t heard from him in a week.
No text, no calls, no surprise four-hour drive to see her for the weekend.

“Um, hello?” she texted. “Are you OK? Are you in jail?”
Then she became worried. Emails went unanswered, his phone went straight to voicemail. She even called his friends to see if he was OK.

“Haven’t seen him,” a friend replied.

Gwen didn’t have to wait long to see him. Before even hearing from him, she saw him — on Facebook — tagged in an album of a friend she didn’t know.
The pictures were date stamped that weekend, and Charlie was drunk, doing keg stands and smoking a bong.
Idiot. You gotta privacy that shit.

Gwen promptly ended their relationship, both on Facebook and in real life.

Charlie didn’t even know that Gwen had seen the incriminating pictures, because his response to her “it’s over” text was, “I’ve been so freaked out about how much I like you that I needed some time to sort out my feelings.”


Ain’t nobody playin but you.


2 thoughts on “TOOLBAG TUESDAY

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