There is no good way to break up with someone, but Kevin brought it to a whole new level.
Sure, he seemed perfect when Mary met him. He had a full-time job, he was ridiculously athletic, and even though he was slightly better-looking from the neck down (a male butterface!!!) he wasn’t ugly by any means.
At least on the surface.
Things started going downhill almost from the beginning.
After a month of dating, Mary was pretty sure Kevin was still regularly talking to his ex-girlfriend long-distance in Georgia, based on repeated unexplained late-night calls and some strategic MySpace stalking. (circa 2003)
Kevin said he could never hang out after 9 p.m. during the week because he hit the gym in the wee morning hours and he was considering entering into a bodybuilding competition complete with fake orange lube tanner.
Mary tried hard to get into his spirit of hard work and athleticism, and for a few weeks Kevin was a pretty promising boyfriend.
He even tried to set some of his friends up with her friends (ummm…EW, btw) but then suddennly his calls to her became less and less frequent. Mary grew suspicious.
This was about the same time he started to make more “business trips” to Georgia.
But, Valentine’s Day was approaching and Mary got her hopes up that Kevin would step it up and buy her something. No dice.
Kevin forgot about the holiday. He told her so two days later, when he finally called her back.
I remember telling Mary not to go over to his house anymore after that, but to no avail. What guy remembers Valentine’s Day? Mary reasoned. And, besides, HE’S GOT A SIX-PACK.
Not even that was enough to excuse the VALENTINE’S DAY CARD Mary found on his kitchen counter. A quick peek inside confirmed that ah, it was from his ex-girlfriend who Mary wasn’t supposed to know about in real life.
“I thought you forgot it was Valentine’s Day?” Mary asked, motioning to the card.
Kevin ignored her.
On the drive home (at promptly 9 p.m.), Mary vowed to have a talk with him the very next weekend. Enough was enough. She decided to gather her thoughts for a full-on CONFRONTATION. She felt empowered. Clear-headed.
She went over things she really wanted to say. Such as: “I know you’re dating someone in Georgia! And, you’re an asshole.”
Or:“Why don’t you take take that cheesy Valentine’s Day card and shove it up your ASS while doing squat thrusts??”
Unfortunately, before any of these lines could be perfected, Mary got a phone call from her best friend Tara early Saturday morning. Tara had seen Kevin very drunk at an oyster roast (google it) the night before.
“Have you talked to Kevin lately?” Tara asked, trying to tread lightly.
“No, but he’s supposed to call me today. Why?” Mary asked.
“Because, last night at the oyster roast he told me that you and he had broken up.”
“WHAT?” Mary asked.
“Yea, he seemed surprised that I didn’t know, “Tara said. “He was also really, really drunk.”
“Oh, so we’re broken up now?” Mary said. She suddenly had the urge to check MySpace.
“I don’t know. That’s what he said,” Tara answered. “I’m sorry. He’s an asshole.”
One minute later, Kevin picked up the phone to Mary’s call.
“HEY!” Mary shouted “Do you remember seeing Tara at that oyster roast last night?”
“Yea, I was pretty drunk though.”
“Do you also remember telling her we broke up?”
“Well, she remembers you saying that.”
“She’s lying,” Kevin said.
“Why would my friend lie?”
“Why would I lie?”
“Because you were drunk and were running your mouth and you’re dating someone else and you think I’m too stupid to notice.”
“I don’t think you’re stupid,” Kevin said. “But, yea, we’re broken up.”
Mary yelled something along the lines of, “HAVE FUN PAINTING YOU DI*K ORANGE!!!!”
and then hung up, furious that she put up with his bad behavior for so long and embarrassed that she was broken up with through her friend.
This wasn’t supposed to happen to people in their mid-20s! What is this, high school? Mary thought.
She deleted him from MySpace immediately.