I don’t often feel bad for guys, because they can pee outside and usually have ridiculously high metabolism.
But, I do feel bad for guys who are hung up on a terrible girl friend —- a girl who they’re not dating but really want to date— and the girl knows it, so she deliberately and thoughtfully keeps the guy’s balls in a chokehold, just to make sure he’s never happy with anyone else.
They’re the girls who never actually date the guys that pine for them, but are instead the guy’s “best friend” and string them along enough to get attention.
It’s not really fair to blame a horrible, possessive girl friend for a guy who acts like a toolbag, but guys really don’t know better.
They can’t see that their girl “friend” turns on the charm in order to drive away any other girl he actually likes. Boys are blind like that.
(If you are unsure how to spot these horrible girls, they are usually the ones calling the new girl “sweetheart” and being generally insincere.)
My friend Lani had to deal with this firsthand, and if she had known that Aaron had such a manipulative menace with his balls in a chokehold, she would have avoided him like high school math class.
But, when Lani and Aaron met, Becca wasn’t around.
Aaron told Lani he was single, and the poor thing actually believed he was.
Aaron and Lani had several nice dates and they both laughed a lot and liked the same music, and really, in college that’s pretty much the perfect relationship.
But, then one weekend, a group of people met out at a bar and Becca showed up. Like a shark….dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dundundundundunddundundun….
“Hey Sweetheart,” she said to Lani, looking her up and down. “Aaron has told me so much about you!”
Don’t be fooled; the sugary, sappy tone and the slight cock of the head meant that Becca was really being threatening.
“Oh, you and Aaron are friends?” Lani asked, playing along with the bitchy game. “He hasn’t mentioned you.” (Lani’s good.)
Becca then swooped Aaron away to the bar, where she got him shots and more beer and stood way too close to him.
Later, Lani confronted Aaron about he and Becca’s relationship.
“Nothing is going on!” Aaron said. “She’s my best friend.”
“Did ya’ll date?”
“Yea, a long time ago, but she wasn’t interested in me. We’re just friends now. I don’t know why other girls are so threatened by her.”
Lani was wary, like anyone would be after seeing that their new love interest’s “best friend” was a tall, blonde girl who had once rejected him.
Nonetheless, Lani still continued to date him, because he was sort of charming. Becca, however, wasn’t having any of it.
She had picked up on the fact that Aaron actually liked Lani, and had to intervene.
First, Aaron suddenly couldn’t come to dinner because Becca’s dog had swallowed something odd and she needed him to come over.
“You’re not a vet,” Lani pointed out.
The second time Lani got stood up it was because Becca had broken up with her own “sort of boyfriend” and Aaron was the ONLY shoulder she could cry on.
“She’s really upset,” Aaron told Lani over the phone.
Lani was downright furious when Aaron told her he was trying to get a group of people to drive down from South Carolina to Miami for New Year’s Eve, and that Becca was invited, too.
Lani told him that she got a bad feeling about Becca, and there was a reason that other girls have said something to him about her.
Lani told me, later, that Aaron reasoned with her that no, it’s not like that between them and that it’s not his fault that she hangs out with his group of friends.
“Baby, I really want you to come to Miami,” he said. Charming. Lani considered it.
It turned out that Lani couldn’t go to Miami on New Year’s Eve, because a family member had fallen ill and was suddenly rushed to the hospital.
She called Aaron to say that she would be staying in town.
“Man that sucks! No one can make it this trip!” Aaron said. “You’re the fifth person to cancel!”
“Oh, really, well, who IS going?” Lani asked.
“Just me and Becca.”
“Oh, UH–UHHHHH,” she said.
“Do I have your permission to still go?” he asked.
The sad part was that Aaron really, really did think he and Becca were “just friends” and he was oblivious to Becca’s grip on his balls.
(For the record, they DID hook up on the trip to Miami, which Aaron admitted to later.)
But Lani didn’t know that, then.
“I’ll call you every hour!” he promised.
Aaron shouldn’t have bothered to call at all. I know this because I was with Lani that New Year’s Eve, and while he did call every hour, each call made the situation exponentially worse.
“My friends that I was planning on staying with in Miami don’t have any more room,” Aaron said. “We’re going to have to get a hotel room.”
“All the hotel rooms are booked. We’re going to have to camp on the beach in a tent.”
“Woah, I’m so drunk and it’s only ten o clock.”
Lani stopped returning Aaron’s calls and texts after several glasses of wine and whole lot more “UH-UHHHHH’s” from all of us who were celebrating in South Carolina.
This prompted a poor “are you mad at me or something?” text, and by the next morning, it was a new year and Lani had moved on.
But, a week later, Aaron came crawling back.
“You were right about Becca,” he said, almost in tears. “I thought she really liked me, but she was just trying to break me and you up. She’s such a bitch!”
Lani said a million “I told you so”-s and, thinking that Becca was totally out of the picture now, agreed to take him back on a probationary basis.
After all, she and he weren’t exclusive at the time, she reasoned.
Aaron, however, remained a toolbag.
Not even a week after that conversation, on a night where Aaron was supposed to be groveling to Lani and cooking her dinner, she got a call from him insted.
“So…Becca called and said she was really sorry and missed me, and then she asked me to hang up some curtains in her living room,” Aaron said. “Can I meet you later for dessert?”
Lani hung up and then cursed at the phone, and herself.