TOOLBAG TUESDAY…CHANGE YOUR MAN

It’s all chump change until you fill up an entire jar in your bedroom with quarters and dimes and then bring it to the grocery store and turn it into cold, hard cash (minus a ten percent fee), AmIRight people????

My friend Ashley always had the same big plans for when she turned her coin jar into cash: she’d buy a new pair of shoes.

Ashley was able to buy several pairs of shoes a year in this manner because she was a server at a restaurant and always had change from her shifts.

When she got home with her apron, she’d dump the change from the pockets. And she’d watch her jar fill up.

But then, she started dating Harry.

Harry had a typical 9-5 job and Ashley was a server, so they had vastly different schedules.

Harry would come over late at night after she’d be done her shift, and he’d leave the next morning early to go to work.

Generally, Ashley was still sleeping when Harry would leave her house.

Which is why she didn’t notice this CHUMP near her change.

One morning, about two months into his regular sleepovers, Ashley was uncharacteristically awake at 8 a.m.

She heard Harry slowly get out of bed, walk to and from the bathroom, put on clothes and shoes and then…DIP his hand into her change jar.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“What are you doing???” Ashley asked, straightening up in bed.

“What?” Harry asked, putting his grubby hand into his pocket.

“What are you doing taking money from my change jar?” Ashley asked.

“Oh…I’m taking, like, a dollar to get a breakfast sandwich from Burger King,” he said.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“WHAT?!” She asked.

“I’m going to get a breakfast sandwich from Burger King,” he repeated. “What’s the big deal? It’s just a dollar.”

CORRECTION…HER DOLLAR.

“How often are you doing this?” Ashley asked.

“I don’t know, a few times when I’m hungry in the mornings,” he said.

LOL

So, basically every morning he spent the night.

“That’s NOT cool,” she said. “That’s stealing.”

“It’s not a big deal!” Harry said, annoyed.

ANNOYED!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, HE DIDN’T EVEN THINK THAT SHE MIGHT BE SAVING UP FOR SOMETHING??

A Croissan’wich isn’t a pair of new ballet flats, HARRY!!

Of course, Harry was annoyed at being dumped….like a jar of change into the grocery store CoinStar machine soon after that.

But hey, I’m sure at least Burger King misses him.

Chump.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY! WHEN FACEBOOK CHANGES A MAN

People change every single day, and I don’t just mean their underwear.

No! Grown adults can change every single thing about themselves—change fundamentally, how they operate, how they think, how they view the world, every. single. day.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I’m just kidding.

However, they sure as SHIT can change every single thing about their Facebook page following a breakup.

(Hmmm….this sounds familiar.  – Still happening since 2011!!)

I know all genders do this, but guys are the most obvious about it, because many of them don’t post on social media at all, and then post-breakup they’ll suddenly go WAY THE EFF overboard with it.

For example, if the problem was that he always hated his ex’s kids, he’ll post a picture post-breakup volunteering at an orphanage.

Or, say he never took his ex out on a date, he’ll make post after post about going out to dinner, making sure to include how much fun he’s (seemingly) having.

It’s a new DAWN!

AGAIN: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Thankfully, before they broke up, Brandon, who dated my friend Jessica, told her very expressly that Facebook was “total bullshit.”

Brandon told her this a few times over the course of their relationship, mainly every time she would look longingly at cringy/sappy posts by other guys about their girlfriends.

“How come you never post a picture of me like that?” Jessica asked.

“Because Facebook is such bullshit, I bet they are really totally miserable,” Brandon said.

Then, when the couple would break up: “See? I told you so.”

Brandon told her this again when she asked him to post a picture of the two of them as his profile picture. When he finally agreed, there was no caption whatsoever.

The most egregious was when Brandon refused to write “Happy Birthday” on Jessica’s Facebook wall.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She didn’t dare request a picture of them together or even a public love letter, like the ones she saw from other guys.

“You can’t even just write ‘Happy Birthday?’” Jessica asked. “I mean, we live together. I think it looks bad that you don’t at least say something.”

“No, why would I do that?” Brandon said. “I’m wishing you ‘Happy Birthday’ in person. I don’t need all my random friends from college seeing that.”

LOL.

HEAVEN FORBID, RIGHT???

Thankfully, Jessica remembered Brandon’s declarative “Facebook is bullshit” statement after they broke up.

Because she had to repeat that statement over and over when Brandon decided to not just make a parade of Facebook posts following their breakup, but make POSTS DECLARING HIS ADORATION FOR HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND.

…Two months after he and Jessica ended it for good.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: WHAT DO HIS RANDOM COLLEGE FRIENDS THINK??!?!?!

Jessica’s mouth dropped when she heard from mutual Facebook friends that Brandon’s Facebook page suddenly sprang to life for the first time in the three years they were together.

“Wait, what??” she asked. “Is he just tagged in posts with his new girlfriend on Facebook, or is he actually himself posting to Facebook?”

Because Brandon never posted to Facebook. Ever.

He can’t even be bothered to post a “Happy Birthday” message on the Facebook wall of the girl he supposedly loved.

RIGHT?!?

Wrong.

According to Brandon’s Facebook page, he suddenly was completely changed.

All of Jessica’s mutual friends with Brandon saw in horror that he had suddenly turned into this doting, loving, active social media guy, who started excessively posting pictures of THE NEW HIM and his NEW GIRLFRIEND.

Not just once.

Not just twice.

But FOUR TIMES…A WEEK.

LOL

We all deleted him as a friend after he actually posted a picture of himself KISSING his new girlfriend on the mouth.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Ed note: WAS IT EVEN HER BIRTHDAY!??!?!?!?!?!)

Another one of Brandon’s posts had a caption declaring that she was “his hot date.”

IT WAS A MIRACLE!

A COMPLETELY CHANGED MAN!!!!

LONG ARE THE DAYS WHEN BRANDON WON’T WRITE “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” ON HIS GIRLFRIEND’S FACEBOOK WALL – THIS GUY IS READY TO JUMP OUT OF A DAMN CAKE!!!

This was the same guy who declared that the number of pictures one posts on social media is directly related to how miserable that person is in a relationship.

So it begs the question….why couldn’t he just continue his life of NOT posting to Facebook and just be happy in real life?

Answer: Because it’s bullshit.

😉
-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY – TINDER TELEPHONE TOOLBAG

It’s a rarely reported fact that when you are online dating, it’s a huge challenge to keep all those new peoples’ names in your phone straight.

Just kidding.

It’s hard for GUYS to keep all those new peoples’ names in their phone straight.

…Or maybe there are really that many girls named Lauren on Tinder that guys need to add thoughtful details beyond “Lauren from Tinder” saved in their phone.

I personally don’t see why anyone needs to save someone’s name in their phone until a third date.

All potential suitors should just remain just a series of digits until they do something to warrant a name entry, or at least until you care to learn their last name.

Because, CHEESE DICK, it is SO tacky is it to put “Tinder” behind someone’s name in your phone.

Katie Tinder

Ashley Tinder

Meghan Tinder

EW, TINDER.

What’s even worse—even MORE cheese dick, if you will—is  when guys have just way too many  “Sarah Tinder” entries that they need to add additional, superficial details like “Blonde Sarah from Tinder” or “Hot Sarah from Tinder.”

“Big Butt Jessica from Tinder”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Y’all. This Happens.

My friend Lenora got the unfortunate luck of getting to read what her former boyfriend, Louis, had put into his phone to describe her.

Lenora’s iPhone was broken and Louis, this guy she had dated for almost a year, loaned her his old iPhone.

…You know, the one he was using when he was typing Tinder behind every girl’s name.

When Lenora activated his phone, she looked through his contacts for the word “Tinder.”

(You know, for fun.)

Not only did CHEESE DICK Louis have 12 girls (TWELVE!) with “Tinder” behind their names (which he didn’t think to delete before giving her his phone), but Lenora saw an additional nickname behind her own name:

“Lenora from Tinder who has a kid.”

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

LOUIS, YOU SPELLED “LENORA MILF” WRONG!!

The revealing part was that Louis had always been standoffish about Lenora’s kid, even from the very beginning. Obviously.

SO obviously that it was the most important note to describe her.

He didn’t save her as, “Brunette Lenora from Tinder.”

Or, “Lenora from Tinder who has two dogs.”

Or—I know, WACKY IDEA—just “Lenora.”

No, it was “Lenora from Tinder who has a kid.”

Clearly her kid was a red flag for him. Which he never expressly stated outside of his iPhone contacts.

Well, it certainly was a red flag for her.

It was one of the only times when she would have preferred to have been described as “Lenora from Tinder with big boobs.”

The good news is that now Louis has his own Tinder nickname in Lenora’s new iPhone:

“Louis Huge Asshole from Tinder”

(For the record, my vote was for “Louis Cheese Dick from Tinder.”)

Either way, SWIPE LEFT.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY…THE ONE TIME WHERE THE CAT ISN’T THE ASSHOLE

It takes a pretty special (and by special I mean spiteful) person to take you to divorce court over your cats.

Booooo, hisssss

I mean, really. Cats!

An actual elected judge to decide who gets custody of cats!

Let’s just get the joke out of the way: A guy who brings his ex-wife to court over cats is a PUSSY.

LOL

But that’s what Toby did to my former co-worker Ashley. He took her to court over their cats when they got divorced.

AND HE GOT THE CATS.

“I was the one who pulled them out from under the house when they were just days old!” Ashley said. “They were MY babies!”

But Toby convinced the judge that the cats would have better veterinary care in Nashville, where he was moving from New Orleans, and he had a job and she didn’t, so he could afford them and she couldn’t.

UGH.

Ashley was completely devastated and now totally alone and felt like the biggest loser in the world.

They didn’t have a house together or any kids, but she had her cats.

And now a court decided she wasn’t fit to even afford canned effing tuna fish.

So she went out and rescued two new cats to replace the ones Toby relocated across state lines.

Ashley said the most infuriating part was that Toby didn’t even like the cats as much as she did; he was just a huge dick and wanted to make her feel as terrible as possible because he was one of those psychopaths.

…A point proven exactly one year later, when Toby called her, casually. The first time he had contacted her in 365 days.

“Hey, my new wife doesn’t like the constant reminder of you in the house so you’re going to have to come and take Sparkles and Ruby back,” he said.

!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Ed note: What a pussy lol)

Ashley paused at all of this information.

His new wife?

“You have a new wife? In a year?” she asked.

She was completely shocked.

“Yea, so you have until this weekend to come up to Nashville and get them or else I’m bringing them to a shelter.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A SHELTER!

Ashley noted: It was Thursday. And Nashville was eight hours away.

She got her claws out and tore into him about being so casually ready to dump her beloved cats when he was SO ADAMANT about keeping them that he involved a court reporter and hundreds of dollars in legal fees.

My question when I heard the story was why he even felt the need to tell his new wife that the cats were from his previous marriage.

How on Earth did they as a couple come to the conclusion that Ruby and Sparkles were “daily reminders” of her???

Why couldn’t he have just found new homes for them and not involved Ashley at all???

(Answer: Because he’s still a psychopath.)

HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Ashley scrambled to rearrange her work schedule and get her oil changed to drive 16 total hours to get her cats with two days notice.

And now she has four cats.

Send canned tuna fish.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY – THE BLAME GAME

There’s so much blame when people break up; it can get confusing.

It’s his fault. It’s your fault.

It’s both your fault.

It’s nobody’s fault.

(Bonus confusion: If you date a manipulative sociopath, it could really be their fault, but they make you think that it’s your fault.)

WHO CAN KEEP TRACK OF ALL THIS??

Thankfully, there are some hilarious one-liners that guys have used to make you NOT ask the question “What did I do wrong?”

For example: My friend Elise, who dated this guy Jason long-distance for a very long time.

Elise lived in New York and had a job and Jason was a music producer and would always be on the road.

He would end up in New York for projects every six months or so and stay with Elise, have a ball and make her swoon over him again and again.

Jason was a professional hotel hopper/couch surfer and didn’t have his own apartment—he got his mail sent to his parents’ house, which was several states away from New York.

When Jason wasn’t out gallivanting around the world, or he’d get tired of New York, he’d veg out in his parents’ basement for extended weeks at a time.

After a few years (years!) of this pattern, Elise got annoyed.

How long (a time) is too long for long-distance???

Why couldn’t he move to New York?

“I’m NEVER moving to New York,” Jason declared. “It’s too dirty, too loud.”

End of story.

Ugh.

“Ok, well I can’t do this long-distance thing forever,” Elise said. She really liked him and wanted to be with him year-round.

“Well, you can move to Boston and move in to my parents’ house,” Jason said.

Elise laughed out loud.

“Move in…to your parent’s basement??” she asked.

It was a hilarious offer.

ThankYouVeryMuch, but she had a job in New York and a roommate and an enviably cheap apartment.

And she wasn’t a loser.

LOL

WHO ASKS SOMEONE TO MOVE IN WITH THEM AT THEIR PARENTS’ HOUSE?

DID HE EVEN HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO OFFER THIS?? 

DID HIS MOM AND DAD ‘OK’ THIS PLAN???

“Um…I’m OK here where I am…” Elise said.

I know it’s completely shocking to believe, but Jason’s maturity didn’t improve after that.

When Elise got completely fed up with their sometimes long-distance arrangement and his lukewarm reception when he’d come to New York, she gave him an ultimatum: All or nothing.

“Look, I can’t move to New York, I told you that,” Jason said. “And you won’t move into my parent’s house, so YOU’RE the one who hasn’t moved our relationship forward to the next level.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The next level i.e. the level below his parents’ living room.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Seriously, this is HER fault for not moving in with his parents?!??!

Jason really tried to pull that.

OK, Jason.

I can’t just see the conversation with people now:

“Hey, Jason, why did you and Elise break up?”

“Because she wouldn’t quit her job and move into my parents’ basement with me.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHA

How can you even say that with a straight face??

His fault. His fault. His fault. His fault.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY! AN UN-HEALTHY MARRIAGE

I can’t think of a bigger deal breaker than going on a date with someone and having them announce at dinner that they’re still married.

Just super casual, you know, like, “Oh, I don’t like mushrooms. Want some garlic bread? I’m still married.”

 Uhhhhhhh

CAN I HAVE ANOTHER VODKA PLEASE???

I know there are a lot of intricacies surrounding marriage and divorce, it’s all very legal and drawn out and if you live in South Carolina, you need to be separated for an entire calendar year before you can be legally divorced, but still.

Still married.

It’s certainly one of those situations that proper phrasing can help lessen the blow.

Like, “I’m still married, but at midnight my calendar year is up so LET’S GET TWO ORDERS OF GARLIC BREAD!!”

(Not really.)

But I suppose it would help to make some sort of comment about how you plan to get divorced as soon as possible.

That was not the route Samuel took.

Samuel, who went on a date with my friend Kelly, announced (quite cheerily) that he was still married, and wasn’t planning on getting divorced at all.

“Well, my ex-wife really likes the health benefits,” he said.

“What?” Kelly asked.

“Yea, I’m in the military and so she gets really good health benefits,” he said. “We don’t live together or anything, but she still gets to use them.”

(Ed note: UM, FRAUD)

Samuel didn’t say that his wife (WIFE) had a terminal illness or anything else that would necessitate needing to be on his free health plan. They didn’t have children.

DID HE THINK THIS JUST MADE HIM A NICE GUY???

Was she really supposed to believe this??

“Don’t worry, we haven’t been together for three years,” Samuel said, sensing Kelly’s hesitation with this health plan.

Kelly was already planning her escape.

“So what if you want to get married again?” she asked.

Samuel’s response was hilarious.

“Don’t worry, I haven’t met a woman who I want to marry in the past three years,” he said.

HAHAHAHAHA

(FYI Kelly was hardly worried.)

“But if I met the right person, yea of course I’d discuss getting a divorce with her.”

LOL

DISCUSS.

The whole story sounded fishier than the dinner special.

…Which Samuel ended up eating…by himself.

-Jenny

TOOLBAG TUESDAY – ONE FLEW OVER THE COCAINE’S NEST

I’m all about multi-tasking and killing all the birds with one stone.

However, there’s a difference between double-booking yourself for everyone’s Christmas party and knocking two other things out at the same time like arranging to meet your drug dealer on a date.

I don’t know, maybe I just have really high standards.

Get it

High.

AHAHAHAHAHA

My friend Sabrina told me about the worst date she ever had, with a guy named Brian who she met at a networking event.

They went on three dates and had fun listening to music and going to dinner, getting coffee, etc.

She remembers now that he was always hyper, always up for doing stuff, especially late at night. She chalked it up to enthusiasm and spirit and, unfortunately, failed to notice how often he was going to “bathroom.”

LOL

(Mom, don’t ask.)

On their fourth date, Brian suggested they go to a random bar that was way, way off the beaten path that they had no particular reason for going.

There was no food, no music, no fun bar games. It was a seedy, dark hole in the wall.

“The beers are really cold,” Brian told her.

LOL

They walked in and took seats and the bar and each ordered a beer when Brian said he was going to go to the bathroom.

LOL

After five minutes of sitting there by herself, Sabrina looked around to try and find Brian or the bathrooms and saw just a group of people sitting at a booth in the back.

She looked again. There was Brian.

SITTING AT A BOOTH IN THE BACK OF THE BAR WITH PEOPLE WHILE SHE SAT BY HERSELF.

Then she looked closer: Brian was sitting with four girls.

THE F—-?!!!!!!!!?????!??!

Sabrina didn’t want to walk up to Brian and the group of girls (who were very pretty and intimidating) so she did what any millennial would do—she texted him.

“Ummm hello what are you doing? Who are those people?”

OMG

Brian didn’t seem at all concerned, so Sabrina had to muster up the courage to go over to a booth and bitch at Brian in front of everyone.

“What are you doing over here?” she asked in her most fake-happy voice.

Brian got jumpy.

“Oh, nothing. just talking to some friends. This is Sabrina everybody,” he said.

Before the girls looked up, Sabrina announced, “I’m leaving,” and walked toward the door.

“Wait!” Brian yelled behind her.

Sabrina turned around.

“What are you doing sitting at a booth with all those girls?” she asked. “Are you dating one of them?”

“You don’t understand!” Brian said. “I’m not dating any of them! They are my cocaine dealers!”

LOL

Sabrina paused.

“Wait, you do coke?” she asked.

LOL

“Yea, and every girl I’ve ever dated has been a big coke head and you’re really inspiring me not to do it anymore, so this will be my last time buying it,” Brian said.

(Ed note: WHAT A COMPLIMENT!!! SWOON!!!)

“So, come on, let’s go back into the bar and come sit with us.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sabrina said she didn’t know what was worse—him being a secret cocaine user, or the fact that he brought her unknowingly to his coke deal.

Or maybe it was worse that he didn’t think she would TURN HER HEAD AROUND and see him sitting there in the back of the bar after five minutes of being the “bathroom.”

AND WHY ON EARTH WOULD SHE WANT TO GO BACK INTO THE BAR AND SIT WITH THEM??!?!?!

There aren’t enough stones in the world to kill that bird.

So Sabrina flew out of there as quickly as possible.

-Jenny